un-meh thing of the week - a grilled cheese festival that lives up to its expectations

I'm pretty sure 95% of the meh blog's 2 million daily readers are the same type of people as the meh blog authors...meaning our readers are late 20s to late 30s in age, they have mindless, aimless, career-debilitating desk jobs, and they long for the days of college to return. It also means our readers look forward to their weekends nearly as much as we do. After all, at this point in our lives, the weekdays blow & the week nights are spent dreading the upcoming weekday. So the weekends have added importance, and it always sucks when you have these high expectations for a weekend plan & then they don't pan out. It happens all too often, right? You make this great plan of getting absolutely destroyed in the park all Saturday afternoon--just you, a few friends, 2 handles of Jack, a frisbee and 2 ski poles. But then the rain comes, and you just sit in your house all day taking bong rips feeling sorry for yourself.

Well for the un-meh thing of the week, I'd like to give a HUGE shout out to the 2nd 8th Annual Grilled Cheese Invitational that took place in LA last Saturday afternoon. A group of 3 of us from San Fran got on board with this grilled cheese cook-off at the last minute, and one major reason we couldn't get a larger group was because people assumed this event would be lame. A friend even told us that he attended a similar event in SF not long ago & it was poorly-organized, poorly-attended and not enough grilled cheeses even for the few people who showed up. With a random event like this, you just never know what you're gonna get, right?

Well I'm happy to report the Grilled Cheese Invitational exceeded even our loftiest expectations. It was a beautiful California day filled with some super-inventive grilled cheese recipes, a beer garden with a bunch of different brands/micro-brews, and enough free cheese samples to feed the entire meh blog staff. The entire competition process was well-organized and pretty much stress-free. There was plenty of space for the cooks to prepare their dishes, and the judging process actually seemed somewhat legit.

I wish I had a complaint about this event, that way our loyal readers would know I'm not getting paid off by the Grilled Cheese Invitational organizers to say these un-meh things. Sometimes an event can actually be un-meh.

British guy likes smelling his own farts

From Mediate - MSNBC’s Martin Bashir the lot of us Americans wouldn’t be able to restrain ourselves if we had a royal wedding, and we’d have “sprinted” through the streets, unlike the dignified and “orderly procession” that was witnessed in London Friday morning.

Watch jolly old chap Martin Bashir here


(While reading, imagine me in my finest British accent)  Oh Martin, what enlightening, witty commentary!  Perhaps us foolish Americans should learn to be a bit more civilized.   I dare say, what I wouldn't give to spend an afternoon sipping tea and eating crumpets on the veranda with old Martin.  Oh that would be positively marvelous!  Oh but there I go again, getting all excited and uncouth like us Americans are want to do!  Good thing we have a man as dashing and charming as Martin to lead us to a more civilized path.  (Now back to undignified American accent)  What a dick.

Technology Has Finally Gone Too Far

Slate.com - A Palo Alto, Calif.-based startup called E La Carte is hoping to ensure that no family has to endure a restaurant nightmare again. It has produced a kind of souped-up iPad that lets you order and pay right at your table. The brainchild of a bunch of MIT engineers, the nifty invention, known as the Presto, might be found at a restaurant near you soon.
It works like this. The company manufactures tablet computers with full-day battery lives and a credit-card reader attached. The interface is easy enough for a grade-schooler to use. You select what you want to eat and add items to a cart. Depending on the restaurant's preferences, the console could show you nutritional information, ingredients lists, and photographs. You can make special requests, like "dressing on the side" or "quintuple bacon." When you're done, the order zings over to the kitchen, and the Presto tells you how long it will take for your items to come out. Want a margarita in the meantime? Just add it on the console. When you're through with your meal, you pay on the console, splitting the bill item by item if you wish and paying however you want. And you can have your receipt emailed to you.

Talk about a bad news Friday...First my boss asks me to actually show up to work on time for once, and now this: computers replacing waiters & bartenders at restaurants.

A younger, college-aged Rmurdera just shed a tear at that thought. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for technology helping businesses be more efficient & lower operational costs (as a matter of fact I basically sell technology that does exactly that), but not at the cost of college kids getting to experience the awesomely incestuous world of waiting tables & bartending.

In my opinion, it is every man's right to work at a restaurant that embraces the culture of all the employees hooking up with each other; otherwise I may have gone through all of college without touching a boob. The restaurant culture just works so well with the already ridiculous college lifestyle. You work with a group of people your age, hopefully most of them attractive, until the late hours, then you party all night until the sun comes up. After you sleep the morning & most of the afternoon away, again hopefully with someone attractive in your bed with you, you drag your ass back to the restaurant to spend another 8 hours performing for tips...and those tips are in cash, sweet non-government reported cash. Then you cycle back to the partying & hooking up with a different girl that works in your restaurant. Sure there's gonna be that awkwardness when you have to work a shift with 3 different girls, all of whom you've recently hooked up...especially when they don't yet know about each other, but that's what the restaurant life is all about. Doing stupid shit and not paying the consequences.

Bottomline: This is an incredible thing for a college student, and I will not stand by and watch robots take that god-given right away from them.

Stop Inventing New First Names!

ESPN.com - St. John's coach Steve Lavin has to hope his newest recruit is as impressive on the basketball court as his name. God's Gift Achiuwa -- a 6-foot-8 power forward and first-team juco All-American from Erie (N.Y.) Community College -- is the ninth player to commit to the Red Storm for next season.
The Nigerian native, whose father is a minister, chose St. John's over Washington and Cincinnati.

The parameters & guidelines on how to go about naming your offspring have been completely demolished. If naming children wasn't already a joke--thanks to names like Knowshon, LeDarius, Apple and Crispin--it sure is now. Where does someone get the balls to name his son "God's Gift?" I guess this guy's a pretty good basketball player, but I dunno, I guess I figured someone named God's Gift would come in the form of a savior, someone who has a big impact on mankind.

And where does this ridiculous game end anyway? What happens if I decide I want my kid's first name to be "Hung Like a Horse" or "The Greatest MotherFucker Alive?" Is that OK? Hey, it has a lot of meaning to me, and that's all that matters right?

And the scariest part of this is if these people with ridiculous names actually make something of themselves in sports. We all know there's millions of children in New England with the 1st name of Brady due to Tom Brady's godliness over the past decade. Same goes for other cities with other sports heroes. And a lot of people name their dogs after their favorite sports stars too. Am I really expected to call my buddy's dog or child "God's Gift" someday? Just because this Nigerian minister started a ridiculous trend with his son's name.

I don't like it. You know what I like? Calling someone John, or Mike, or maybe Kevin. Some things don't need to be tweaked...first names are one of them.

The Mets are Still Paying the Best All-Stars from the mid-90s

Fortune - As owners now shop a 49% stake in the team, it's been widely reported that the franchise has around $430 million in bank debt. But a potential investor who spoke to Fortune on condition of anonymity points out that the team's liabilities are closer to $625 million, from a buyer's perspective.
According to the source, Mets financial statements disclose another $100 million in what the team calls "contingent liabilities." Much of that is deferred compensation still due to players long gone from the Mets roster. The documents give two examples of these liabilities: Bobby Bonilla, who left the team in 1996 and has $1.2 million per year coming to him for the next 25 years, and Bret Saberhagen, who left in 1995 and is owed $250,000 annually through 2029.

This article goes into awesome detail about how fucked the Mets are from a financial standpoint. As a baseball fan who hates all things New York, this is such a fun article to read. But the only part I'm really interested in is the details around all the deferred money the Mets owe to players who retired like 15 years ago. For instance, the Mets owe Bobby Bonilla $1.2 million per year for the next 25 years!! That's incredible. A guy who hasn't played for them in 15 years still has a quarter of a century left on his contract. And Bret Saberhagen, who hasn't played for the Mets in 16 years and has been out of baseball all together for more than a decade, is owed $250K for the next 18 years.

Incredible numbers...

Let's do some rough math here and assume the Mets have yearly revenue of about $250 million (I pulled that out of some obscure Forbes article). If they are paying Bonilla $1.2 million against that yearly revenue, that's the equivalent of me paying a friend $400 a year for the next 25 years for him to provide nothing to me. Imagine if you lost a bet with a friend for a shitload of money, and you had to defer the payment because you couldn't cough it all up at once. And then you'd be paying this asshole for the next 40 years...sure it's only $400 a year, but that's so obnoxious. "Oh, yeah here's your check for doing nothing, again, for the 27th year in a row. You sure you don't wanna just call it even, man?"

And the article says that Bonilla & Saberhagen were just 2 examples of players that are owed money. The Mets probably have a full 25-man roster worth of ex-players they have to pay off for most of the 21st century.

I can't believe no one is jumping at the chance to buy this franchise. Sign me up!

Why won't people stop talking about this flipping Birth Certificate?

I just don't get it.  Every newscaster and pundit and idiotic blogger out there is waxing poetic about how everybody else is obsessing over this birth certificate and how it's such a trivial issue.  Kind of hypocritical being that by making that point, they are now the ones talking about it and substantiating it.  Fucking Huffington Post has like 30 articles about it.  I turn on the TV and all I see is Donald Trump spewing fecal matter out of his mouth and more fucking stories about this stupid Royal Wedding.  Meanwhile, there's 3 wars going on, Paul Ryan is trying to privatize medicare and murder the shit out old people, and the entire midwest looks like that movie Twister.  Mass destruction, wars, and flying cows all over the fucking place and all these "journalists" just keep yacking about Obama's birth certificate.  I for one, have had enough of the birth certificate issue.  I could literally go on for hours about how I don't want to talk about Obama's birth certificate or even birth certificates in general.  I mean seriously, birth certificate, birth certificate, birth certificate!  Who the fuck cares?  Check back later for a special 2000 word essay about the history of birth certificates, how birth certificates affect our lives, why they look and smell the way they do and most importantly, did Jesus have a birth certificate?

New Jersey's Most Racist Resident

Bloomberg News - Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis filed a federal lawsuit challenging a ruling by New Jersey’s top election official that he can’t run for the state Senate because he doesn’t meet the residency requirement. Secretary of State Kim Guadagno ruled yesterday that Lewis failed to meet the four-year residency requirement for candidates. Lewis, 49, who grew up in Willingboro, claims that he is now a New Jersey resident after living in Texas and California. Lewis competed for the U.S. in four Olympics as a sprinter and long jumper, winning nine gold medals.Lewis, a Democrat, is seeking to run for the 8th District Senate seat. Guadagno, a Republican who is also lieutenant governor, unlawfully removed his name from the ballot, Lewis claimed in the lawsuit filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Camden, New Jersey.

“Guadagno’s order to remove plaintiff’s name from the ballot violates the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment and denies plaintiff the equality of treatment that is guaranteed him by the United States Constitution,” Lewis said in his complaint.

This woman hates black people:

How else can you explain this ridiculous ruling by 1 person that Carl Lewis, American Hero, is not allowed to run for some obscure Senate seat in New Jersey? You can't convince me that this woman isn't a racist because any normal person would look at Carl Lewis and kill to have him run a small piece of her state. He's a track legend, and more importantly a U.S. legend. All he did was win gold medals in the Olympics and World Championships for the better part of 3 decades.

Actually, Kim Guadagno, you're right. Why would you want a habitual overachiever and model citizen to be part of the New Jersey political landscape? You're probably afraid that Lewis will go from 8th district whatever to the Governer of New Jersey, and end your sorry state's reputation as the armpit of America. And then what would you have? NOTHING!

So that's my take...this woman is either ridiculously racist or she's afraid that Carl Lewis will long jump her (get it?) and be recognized as the greatest politician New Jersey has ever seen.

Gross!!

From "The Sun"...A STRUGGLING gym is hoping potential clients will fancy getting buff in the buff — after launching naked workouts.

Liberal-minded customers have been invited to burn calories in the nude at Easy Gym which provides towels to "prevent slippage" on equipment.  Owner Merche Laseca said: "We knew we had to innovate because we were losing clients.  "Times are hard. There is a crisis. I need the money. I am not a nudist myself, but I don't mind it at all."  The business in the northern Spanish town of Arrigorriaga is the country's first gym to allow fitness fanatics to bare all.  Merche got the idea after a survey of nudists showed 90 per cent of them would happily exercise naked.  Critics claimed the nude gym sessions might be unhygienic and uncomfortable.  Julian Lopez, an Easy Gym member, said: "I think the managers are stupid to do this just to get money.  "They want me to be hygienic, with clean shoes, towels etc ... but when I go there now and sit on the exercise bike what am I going to find?"

Ok, two things.  One, I just threw up in my mouth.  Just disgusting.  Is there anything grosser than the stretching area in this gym?  And two, I'm pretty sure there are at least three or four old men that come to my gym with the sole of intent of staring at girls doing their aerobics and stretching.  I mean  all these guys look pretty out of shape, and they all just leisurely walk on the treadmills.... the treadmills conveniently located adjacent to the classrooms where there's like 40 chicks doing yoga, or kickboxing, or ass stretching or whatever it is they do.  Some of these guys even sip coffee on the treadmill, so at this point, they've pretty much given up pretending they are trying to work out.  Everyone knows what's going on here.  These guys are popping a few viagra and going down to the local NYSC for a good show.  Adding nudity to this equation is dangerous at best.  Just when you think you've had all you can take seeing some old man stretching his saggy grundle and doing squats, you walk over to the elliptical and see some old dude's raging hard-on staring you straight in the face.  No thanks.

Mighty God Knocks on Obama's Door, Demands Answer for Easter Slight

From "Now The End Begins" Blog - Obama ignores Easter, but praises all Muslim holidays

Barack Hussein Obama ignored Easter yesterday. He issued no statements of any kind, no “Happy Easter”, no nothing. By comparison he has issued glowing, effusive statements of praise for each and every Muslim holiday since he took office. Hasn’t missed one of them. So it is quite interesting that yesterday as believers celebrated the Risen Lord Jesus around the the globe, that the God of Heaven who controls the wind and the weather chose to strike the White House with lightning. And something tells me that there’s more coming…stay tuned.

On a slow news day like today, I just love it when other blogs give the meh blog its fodder. First of all, great touch by starting this blog post with Obama's middle name...way to get all of your readers associating him with Jihads & suicide bombers from minute one. Very savvy move.

And yes, I totally agree, so interesting how 1 man not mentioning the word "Easter" in public obviously caused God (not nature) to try to strike him down....only, how powerful is this "God" if all he could do was tap on Obama's house with lightning? No resulting fire? deaths? panic? God sure seems like he was pissed off over Obama's slight.

And I'll go ahead and answer the question that this blog kinda sorta asked in a roundabout way: Why is Obama making it a point to mention/praise Muslim holidays but not Christian ones? BECAUSEFun CHRISTIANS ARE ANNOYING AS SHIT. Because for over 200 years, Fundamentalist Christians have infused their praise of God into things like the Declaration of Independence, the Pledge of Allegiance and the Star Spangled Banner (yes, there is a longer version of our National Anthem that includes a reference to God).

So don't blame Obama for being sick of all political things that have a Christian angle to them. Everyone's sick of Christians; it's been that way for like 10 years now. Get used to it. Muslim is in, Christian is out. Plus, if I was President, I'd pimp the shit out of the Muslims--it's called "avoiding another 9/11."

St. Louis Airport Tornado Demonstrates People are Idiots

At this point the crazy videos of a tornado hitting the St. Louis Airport last Friday have been passed around plenty. I'm sure all the comments about the tornado that need to be made have been made. But how about the people in the airport? Why am I not hearing any opinions on the stupidity of these people?

Take a close look at the video posted above, around the 0:25 mark. Watch the 30-40 seconds after that. Have you ever seen anything like that in your life? The outside essentially turned into one giant cloud of smoke, or mist, or something moving at an incredible speed. That wasn't simply a rain storm or fog. That was something out of The Day After Tomorrow. And yet, all those dummies in the airport just sat there admiring it for about 45 seconds until someone finally yells, "Get Out."

I have only 1 rule when dealing with Mother Nature: as soon as the entire sky goes into "smoke monster from Lost" mode, I am running in the opposite fucking direction. End of story.

Monthly Check-in on the Mets

I understand in this day & age--with the nonstop sports news programs--that every analyst & media person feels the need to make outrageous, polarizing predictions or comments as quickly as possible, but sometimes it just goes overboard. Sometimes a person is so quick to state an opinion, it totally ruins the concept of journalism. I'm talking, of course, about Freedchips' April 6th blog post titled, "The Mets are Dominating!"

As anyone who religiously watches the Red Sox knows, 20 games into the season is too soon to make a judgment, let alone 4 games into the season like Freedchips did.

And how did the Mets do after our fearless leader of the meh blog made his outrageous claims? They promptly lost 10 of their next 11 games, ending any & all hope for Mets fans once again. Oh well, unlike Yankees fans, at least the Mets fans won't be spending the next 5 months thinking their team has a shot.

Go Red Sox.

Titanic II... worst idea ever

So I'm perusing Netflix Friday night and I come across this masterpiece.  It has to be pretty fucking depressing to have anything to do with this movie right?  Must demoralize the shit out of people.  If you're an actor in "Titanic 2," you've pretty much hit rock bottom.  Seriously, I think these are the people who couldn't even get work in L.A. restaurants.  Couldn't bartend, couldn't wait tables, couldn't even land a bus boy job, so they had to take a role in "Titanic 2."  Can you imagine being on this set when everybody knows what a complete joke this movie is?  I wonder if everyone acknowledges how pathetic this is, or if there's just this huge elephant in the room because there's a few idiots that are taking their jobs seriously.  There's probably some asshole director who thinks he's James Cameron making you do like 50 takes, and the whole time this sinking ship is basically a perfect allegory for your dwindling career.

I mean, I think at this point you've got to just face facts and start doing porn.  No point in dragging this out any longer.  Once you're going to casting calls for "Titanic 2," you really have to either quit acting and get your real estate license or just start doing porn.  Pretty sure even your parents would agree on this.  I mean nobody wants to see their daughter on the big screen getting rammed by Buck Naked*, but it's got to be less awkward and embarrassing than this.

PS - Free meh blog t-shirt (if and when we ever get meh blog t-shirts) to whoever knows where the name "Buck Naked" comes from.

Woah can't wait for the new show about bike messengers!

Really?  A reality show about fucking bike messengers?  There are only two types of people who would watch this show.  People who are too lazy to change the channel, and bike messengers.  I've been sitting here trying to think of a job less interesting than carrying packages around the city, and I can't do it.  And if these people really get that excited about getting a package across town on time, then they are even stupider than I had imagined bike messengers would be.   These guys are acting like they just won the superbowl or some shit.  Meanwhile, they are wreaking havoc on pedestrians and probably causing accidents by riding their bikes the wrong way down one way streets and disobeying all the rules.  Like they get a package in their hands and they think getting it to its destination is to most important thing in the world and everyone should just get out of their way so they can make their TRIPLE RUSH DELIVERY!!!!  How about that guy moistening himself at the 1:02 mark.  Woohoo, got a triple rush now, shit is getting crazy!  I think I counted at least 16 traffic infractions in this trailer, and I'm pretty sure that woman at 1:29 had a mild heart attack.  Bike messengering is the 3rd most dangerous job in the city?  Seems more dangerous for me to walk outside when one of you idiots is delivering a manilla folder.

All that being said, I am going to need that bald guy to come work at meh blog when we start a reality show about bloggers.  I'd love to see somebody get that amped up whenever I post a blog.  Gotta love the intensity, how ever ridiculous and unnecessary.

un-meh thing of the week - getting out of work early!

So my boss walks into my office around 11 am this morning and just blurts out "go home, have a good weekend." Bam!   Is there anything better than hearing those 5 words approximately 7 hours before you expected to?  He literally could have come in and said, "freedchips, go home, have a good weekend.  By the way, I'm cutting your salary in half and taking your stapler" and I still would have jumped for joy, given him a completely unwanted hug and pranced out of the office like I had just won the lottery or something.  Just goes to show you it's the little things in life that count.  Meanwhile, after coming back from the dead with three blogs on Wednesday, Rmurdera has inexplicably taken the last two days off.  If he keeps it up, I'm gonna have to start Lumberghing the shit out of him.  Start making him put cover sheets on his blogs and TPS reports, whatever those are.   By the way, I realize it's a stretch connecting Office Space to a blog about me leaving early, but this is what you get when I get out of work at 11, and go home to pound Dos Equis before writing a blog.  Hope everyone has an un-meh weekend and gets out of work early just like me.

Jerry Seinfeld is a true baller and should be working at meh blog

Huffington Post - Jerry Seinfeld vs. Donald Trump

Love this guy's style right now.  He sees something meh, and he wants nothing to do with it.  He takes a dump all over Donald Trump's face and watches him cry like a little bitch writing angry letters.  Hey Donald, writing letters is for pussies.  Why don't you go to Jerry's house like a man and talk to him face to face.  Why not?  Because you know he's probably chilling with Keith Hernandez who will stomp your hair piece up your ass on sight.

Then Jerry takes a swipe at the Royal Wedding while on British TV.  And the fact is he's just completely on point.  The royal wedding is a joke.  The royal family is a joke.  Who cares about a bunch of people who were born into unimaginable wealth?  They didn't have to work a day in their life and they're just handed fame and fortune as soon as they pop out of the womb.  Didn't have to build a company from the ground up, didn't have to write any ingenious songs or movies, didn't have to start an amazingly earth shattering blog, didn't even have to act like complete whores and buffoons on a crappy reality show.  Yup, pretty sure it's time to get rid of this whole "monarchy" system, especially since they have no power anymore anyway.  Just a complete waste of time, money and prime castle real estate.  I'm so impressed right now I'm ready to skip all the formalities like resumes and interviews, and offer Jerry a job right here, right now, at meh blog.  The guy is just oozing meh blog all over the place.  Kind of reminds me of Razor Ramone oozing machizmo back in the day, except Jerry is oozing straight up 100% meh, just mehing the shit out of everybody.

Bunch of idiots complaining about colorful Colt 45 cans

CNN - Colt 45 blasted over Blast alcopop ads

Don't these people have better things to do with their time than getting their panties up in a bunch over some crappy colt 45 drink?  Hey geniuses, you don't want your kid to drink colt 45 watermelon pussy drinks in a can?  Then you teach them that that shit sucks.  If your kid is listening to Snoop-a-loop and is entranced by "bright colors," you've already lost half the battle anyway.  When I was fifteen, I was jamming out to Bob Dylan, sipping refreshing gin and tonics, enjoying the occasional after dinner scotch and chugging local craft beer, because that's how freedchips rolls.  Guarantee you wouldn't catch me drinking colt 45 or any sort of watermelon flavored gross drink like some sort of hoodlum.  That shit offends my taste buds.

I'm just sick of people blaming everybody but parents for kids acting like douche bags.  You got 10 year olds watching Jersey Shore and Teen Mom 15 and you wonder why they are finger banging in arts and crafts?  And don't try and say it's MTV's fault.  They are just doing their job, trying to make shit all these kids will watch when they're all hyped up on high fructose corn syrup and raspberry-peach colt 45.  Look, you don't want your kid to act like Snooki?  Don't let her watch Snooki.  You are the boss.  You are responsible for your offspring, not MTV or Colt 45, or teachers, or anybody else.  JUST YOU.  Stop fucking it up.

Honey Do Lists: The Thing That'll Most Likely Cause Me to Bludgeon My Future Wife to Death

Remember when you were little and you'd wake up on a Saturday morning ready to relax, play some Sega and maybe school your neighbors in some pickup basketball? And do you remember how devastated you were when you strolled down stairs that same morning to find your mom with a list of chores that she wanted you to complete before any relaxation took place? Or she announced it was spring cleaning day and would start divvying up a bunch of random tasks to whoever was unlucky enough to be in the house?

Ugh, that was the worst. Good thing we're adults now & don't have someone else forcing us to do random shit that we hate doing.

Except that in some cases there are very pussified men out there who do have this going on. Apparently they allow their wives/girlfriends/lifemates to give them "honey do lists." They might as well bend over and let that person stick a giant dildo up their ass at the same time.

I hope no woman ever tries to give me a "honey do list" and pass it off like it's a cute little reminder of things to do around the house. The name doesn't fool me; you're basically trying to be like my mom and force me to do shit I don't wanna do. Either that, or you think I'm some giant idiot who can't remember simple tasks that I eventually need to complete. Either way it's insulting and makes me feel like I'm 5 years old all over again.

I'd say I feel bad for all the guys out there who have to deal with this, but they obviously set the precedent by allowing this the first time around. Enjoy a lifetime of "don't forget to clean the basement while I'm at the salon (insert smiley face)."

Rmurdera straight up murdering the Boston Marathon

You may have noticed the lack of blogs coming from Rmurdera last week.  Kind of weird especially since the kid is asking me for a raise every fucking day.  Actually, he did write one blog but it was so atrocious I had to delete it on sight.  I'm no fan of censorship, but I'm even less of a fan of killing endangered species, stuffing them and selling them on craigslist.  So yeah, when I saw a blog complaining about the government "wasting money" to stop this from happening I was forced to Hu Jintao that shit.  No space for that kind of vile trash on meh blog.

Anyhoo, the reason Rmurderas blogging was so sparse was that he ran the Boston marathon Monday, so he was traveling all over the place, and potentially delirious from doing 20 mile runs all the time to train.  Frankly, this whole marathon thing seems pretty crazy to me.  I mean it seemed like the marathon was pretty much the worst 4 hours and 36 minutes of Rmurderas life.  And now some of our other friends want to run a marathon, which is even more annoying.  I mean is it really worth torturing yourself with months of training just so you can spend one day torturing yourself even more, possibly dying and possibly shitting yourself in running shorts, just so you can bask in a few hours of feeling like you're better than your friends?  I think not, especially since one or more of your friends will announce that he or she is going to run a marathon later that year, thus completely reducing your accomplishment to complete dog shit and making it seem like something that anybody in the group could do.  It's kind of like proposing at somebody else's wedding.  Like you just spent 50 grand on a buffet, open bar and a bajillion flowers and one of your "friends" swoops in and steals the spotlight.

Buried at the Bottom of this Story: Escalator Did Not Kill Man

Man Dies on San Francisco Escalator

Listen, I don't wanna be that guy who makes a career out of commenting on tragic deaths such as the story above. But my editor-in-Chief made it clear last week that posts about animal death is off limits & will be censored. So human death is all I've got to go on.

This story truly is confusing, right? The man fell after repeatedly trying to go up a down escalator? I've probably tried to go up about 600 down escalators in my lifetime and never came close to falling. And if I did fall and my clothes started to get stuck, I'd simply take them off & let the escalator absorb them. A headline of "Man killed on escalator" makes you think the escalator grabbed onto his clothes & sucked his whole body in, but that's clearly not possible.

It seems likely that this man had a heart attack or something, and that of course is still sad, but the escalator shouldn't be brought into this whole mess, right? I just feel like the escalator is getting a bad name here...really the escalator was just doing it's job--forcing things to go up on the up escalator and down on the down escalator.

And I love how the picture from this story makes it seem like the man's body evaporated into thin air like Obi Wan Kenobi at the end of Star Wars. Ugh, watch this turn into a movement by some idiots to ban escalators all together. I will riot.

Groupon is Out of Control

Ummm, this is getting weird, Groupon. All I ever wanted was "$20 for $40 worth of beer at local watering hole," and "$75 for Hot Air Balloon Ride (value of $150)."

What's next? "$1,200 for Open Heart Surgery, a $6,000 value" ??

If this vein removal deal doesn't expire for 35 years, should I buy it now and hope it's still a deal when I finally need it? These are the things I stress about with Groupon. Every time I go to buy something these days, I feel like I have to wait a week to see if a Groupon for it will pop up. This is no way to live.

Guy with Pinnochio nose and floppy Dumbo ears is a passive aggressive pussy birther!

Lawmaker explains AZ "birther" Bill

First off, I just want to say how proud I am of the title of this blog.  Sure, maybe it's not all concise and witty like "journalists" would want it, but this title has it all... drama, intrigue, Disney references, and most of all, it calls attention to how weird this guy Carl Seels face is.  It's hard to even watch this interview since his face kind of makes me want to throw up.  I mean this guy's from Arizona right?  Get a tan bro, you live in the fucking desert.  Maybe spend some of that congressional salary on a nose job so you don't look like fucking Steve Martin in "Roxanne."  And enough of this passive aggressive shit, pussy footing around the issue.  Everyone knows you are a batshit crazy, racist birther with huge ears.  Saying this "isn't about Obama" and quoting MLK isn't going to fire up your base.  You don't see Donald Trump mincing his words, and that's why he's killing it in the polls right now.  And by killing it, I mean he's in the lead at about 12% approval or something like that.

Look, if you're going to sell crazy, you've got to own that shit.  If there's anything Americans hate more than an idiotic, bigoted guy with a weird face, it's an idiotic, bigoted guy with a weird face who doesn't have the balls to own up to his beliefs.  You have to go out and say some insane, earth shattering, bozo-the clown shit.  Compare Obama to Hitler or Stalin or Mao, put a red button on your nose and start doing Indian chants or something.  Get on a reality show where you take Snooki and Gary Busey into the Alaska wilderness and fire whoever does a worse job of shooting a moose.  Then go on Fox News and talk about how Obama was born in a Kenyan mosque, and his family planted his certificate of live birth, and a couple birth announcements in newspapers so that 40 years later, he could run for President and destroy America by increasing the marginal income tax rate of the wealthy from 36 to 39 percent and have his wife go all Joseph Stalin on school lunches and childhood obesity.

un-meh thing of the week, saving dogs from nuclear fall out

Japanese Risk Radiation to Save Stranded Dogs

This is what I'm talking about!  People risking their lives to save some awesome dogs.  Cause you know what?  These dogs would do the exact same thing if the situation was reversed.  Apologies for the slow day at meh blog.  Had a crazy day at my day job, so I just couldn't find time to get a good blog going.  That's why it's imperative that everyone sends the blog to all their friends, so that they tell their friends, and so on, and so on, and so on.... Then I can devote all my energy towards complaining and making amehzing blogs.

China is going to Biff Tannen the shit out of us!

China bans time travel for televison

There are only two possible explanations for this.  One is that the Chinese government hates joy and awesome movies.  The Back to The Future trilogy is hands down the best thing ever created.  I'm certain a lot of you nay-sayers will disagree with that statement, but that's why I get paid the big bucks.  meh blog speaks the truth 1000 percent of the time, so if I say it, it must be so.  Just thinking about Marty Mcfly belting out Chuck Berry tunes and rocking his gnarly red vest makes me all giddy inside.  Pretty sure even Stalin wouldn't have banned such an awesome trifecta of cinematic goodness, so that leaves us with option B.

The other much more harrowing possibility is that the Chinese have developed actual time travel, and are thus trying to pretend that they hate time travel and everything associated with it in order to throw us off their scent.  Kind of like how republicans pretend to hate gays when we all know they spend their evenings sticking their junk through dick holes in truck stop bathrooms just hoping for a little anonymous man love.  Yup, clearly this is what is going on right now.  And if I'm correct, Hu Jintao already has his hands on a 2025 sports almanac.  He's probably going to go all Biff Tannen on us, take the rest of our money betting on sports, and turn America into a giant crack addicted gambling haven à la Hill Valley in Back to The Future 2.  So unless we can figure out how to make a flux capacitor, we better send some CIA special ops guys in to find out who Hu is betting on so we can beat him to the punch.  Or soon he'll be sipping champagne in hot tubs, making all of our Moms get breast implants and trying to throw us off hotel roofs.  A word of advice if this comes to fruition... Hu hates cow manure.  It's like his kryptonite.

Sex scene or fire hazard?

I think there's literally 500 candles lit in this room.  It's just absolutely preposterous and unrealistic, and I see it all the time in movies and TV shows.  At least half of the sex scenes in TV and cinema take place in a room with like a bazillion candles.  Plus, they are always lit when the actors walk into the room.  Like the characters just leave them lit at all times in case they happen to have an impromptu romantic moment?  Just once I'd love to see a scene where the actors take a break from banging each other and then spend like 20 minutes lighting a bunch of candles.  I mean, doesn't that seem like a lot of work for about 90 seconds of actual fun?  I've even seen this on shows like "Rescue Me."  This is all the more ridiculous since it's pretty much the most male chauvinistic show I've ever seen.  No way any of the characters in that show would even own a candle.  Also, with all that rolling around and groping and screaming, seems like these people would be burning the shit out of themselves, knocking candles over and burning their houses down.  Just seems like a fire hazard to me, not to mention an egregious waste of wax. 

Changing My Attitude on Airplane Farting

Here comes an unpopular topic...

I think airplanes are the best place in the world for releasing incredibly smelly farts. At least I've always thought that when I was the one doing the farting. With so many people crammed together in a tiny space, it's the perfect situation to let 'em rip and pass the blame off on someone else. And since the plane itself is naturally noisy and most people are wearing headphones, you don't even have to be that discreet with the volume of your gas-passing. Really the perfect storm for a chronic farter.

But now I'm really changing my tune on this issue. Over the past hour, my nose has been bombarded by awful smells. It seems the tables have turned, and I am not enjoying this. It feels like I'm locked in a cage & my captor keeps pumping "month old beef stew" smell into said cage. I've got some suspects, but like I just mentioned you never can be sure who's doing it on a plane. Hold on a sec, I feel some gas coming on... Another thought just occurred to me: maybe I'm giving it away when I slowly lean to one side and make a very strained-looking face.

Friggen Virgin Screwing Up my Work Reputation

Well Virgin America, you got me again. You promised me that I'd have wi-fi access and be able to trick my boss into thinking I was working today, not wasting the day by flying from San Francisco to Boston. Having wi-fi means I could send timely emails to my boss so he'd assume I was either in the office or working from home. The plan was to spend most of this flight watching TV and reading books, with the occasional note to my boss letting him know how hard I was working to close a big deal. I even held off on sending him important emails yesterday for this very purpose.

But I should have learned my lesson the last 3 times I've flown Virgin. The Internet service is somewhere between shitty and nonexistent. Case in point: just to write this meh post, I had to go from seat to seat asking everyone to stay off the network for 30 minutes. The guy jerking it while streaming his porn in 23A was none too pleased.

Since the Internet is unusable, I'll just spend the next 4 hours thinking of excuses for my boss when he asks how my flight went from being on Wednesday night to Wednesday morning. I guess it's a few weeks too late to claim turning the clocks forward threw me off.

Oy Vey Bieber.

Diplomatic Breakdown Amid Bieber Fever in Israel

Fucking Bieber, this kid's got some real chutzpah.  I don't want to seem like I'm kvetching over nothing, but this Bieber putz seems like a real meshuggener or dare I say, shmegeggy, pardon my French.  Anyway, I feel like this is a real slap in the face to Israel, and to the rest of the world.  It's not so much that Bieber didn't end up meeting the Israeli prime minister.  I think what's more upsetting is that he was ever supposed to.  Like, hey Benji, aren't you bombing the shit out of people right now.  Isn't your country basically constantly on the brink of war?  Are you a 13 year old girl?  No?  Well then why the fuck would you want to meet Justin Bieber?  Why is Justin Bieber capable of being involved in a "diplomatic breakdown?"  Why is this a story in the New York Times?  When did the New York Times start getting their stories from TMZ?  So many questions.  But seriously, once the line between celebrity gossip and international diplomacy starts to get blurred, I think we need to take a step back and slap ourselves in the face.  Sorry for the shpiel, I'm just verklempt.

Special thanks to Alex M. for bringing this ludicrous story to my attention.

Stupid googles

Bing article

So the CEO of Bing has been talking some major trash about Google lately.  Everyone's been hounding me to chime in on this important issue, so let me just say this.  I like this Bing guys style.  He's got a lot of moxie coming out and bashing the googles like that, especially when he is getting his ass pounded in terms of Bings market share in relation to Google.  Also, it seems like he's 100% correct in his assessment that the google search engine sucks donkey nuts (don't think that's an exact quote).  For instance, I typed "meh blog" into google and my site didn't even come up on the first page.  I typed in "meh blog, best blog ever, peoples favorite blog, balls to the wall awesome blog" and got nothing.  Then I typed it into Bing and meh blog was popping up all over the place.  So, despite the fact that meh blog is hosted by the googles, I have to recommend that everyone starts using Bing as their preferred search engine.  Sorry googles, that's just the way meh blog rolls.  Unpredictable, rebellious, cathartic, delicious.  meh blog.

Stupid subway

So I'm on the train the other day coming home from work, tired as shit from writing earth shattering blogs all day.  As usual I'm just hating my life since I'm riding the subway, and the subway is bar-none the absolute worst thing about living in NYC.  It's crowded, it smells weird, it's slow, it's inconsistent.  You just never know what to expect when you're down there.  Could fall asleep and have a rat crawling up on your face.  Could have some crazy bitch throw spaghetti marinara in your grill.  Could get smacked in the face by some "performer" doing crazy backflips on a moving train.  But no matter what, you know you are absolutely going to smell urine at least once, get knocked into by all sorts of people you want nothing to do with, and get annoyed at the incompetence of everyone that works for the MTA.

Like the other day, when I'm on the train and one of my biggest pet peeves happens.... My train stops at 34th st. and waits there for five minutes for the express train to pull up on the other side of the platform.  They say they are waiting to "maintain even spacing between trains."  I've never studied advanced train engineering or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure waiting for another train to pull up in the station has the exact opposite effect.  Now, since the two tracks merge into one after 34th, everyone on the train knows that one of these trains is leaving the station first, and the other one is going to have to wait for at least another five minutes.  Any reasonable person would expect the conductor to make an announcement.  Nope, not this time.  At least 50% of the time that I find myself in this situation, they make no announcement.  Of course, this lack of information leads to mass confusion.  As an educated NYC commuter, I have learned that there is no right answer in this situation.  So, I just sit back and watch the other beleaguered subway riders try to figure out which train will leave first.  I watch them look around, all confused, just yearning to be on their way, not knowing what to do.  And then it happens.  The doors on the other train close.  It is leaving first.  All is lost.

Family gets $54000 tax refund, makes me mad, then wins me over...

Family gets huge tax refund

When I first read the headline to this story, I immediately got really pissed off.  I thought to myself, boy this is just classic.  Our government at work, making crazy loopholes and ridiculous rules for people to take advantage of, and leaving honest, hardworking tax payers like the good people at meh blog to foot the bill.  I was infuriated and could have just started throwing hissy fit and knocking shit all over the place.  But then, when I read the story, I thought, well these people are doing some really good things.  If anyone deserves that money, it's them, and at least it's going to a good cause.  Encouraging people to adopt by providing them with a reasonable amount of money to cover their costs makes a lot of sense.

Still, what I have always found pretty meh is that people get huge tax breaks for having kids.  This makes absolutely no sense to me.  I understand it's expensive to raise kids, and the tax breaks help people get by.  But you know what?  If you can't afford a kid, don't have a fucking kid.  Why should I pay more so Billy Bob can have 35 freaking kids running around terrorizing the neighborhood.  Isn't it peculiar to anybody that it seems like the people who have no business raising children always seem to have the most children?  You know the type.  Irresponsible, stupid rednecks that never learned to wrap it up.  So they're just pumping out a bajillion little rugrats that do nothing but increase class sizes in schools, lower our median test scores, increase the deficit and go on to a life of rampant drug use, all while making my taxes soar, because Cletus can't pay his fair share.  Makes me sick.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go adopt some kids and get me some 13 grand tax write-offs.

un-meh thing of the week

It's been a long week of complaining.  Also I'm sick of people calling me a debbie downer.  Meanwhile they are reading my blog 24-7 and laughing hysterically at every post.  Probably going into work with soar throats from laughing so hard.  Fucking hypocrites.  Anyway, having a bunch of pansies thinking you're a heartless blogger with a bad attitude is a PR nightmare.  So, I'm going to start something new.  meh blog is going to end every Friday with an un-meh thing of the week.  I think it would be nice to send everyone into the weekend with some warm and fuzzy feelings and all that shit.  We'll see how it goes.  Frankly, I think I'm bound to run out of shit to talk about after 3 weeks but I guess we will see.  In our first installment, we present a deer who befriended a single mother goose and is protecting her and her nest.  If everyone would act a little more like this deer, and a little less like jerky humans, the world would be a much better place.  The goose population would certainly be better off.  Well there ya go, our first un-meh thing of the week prize goes to this awesome deer.  Maybe we'll give her a free meh blog shirt or something.

The Red Sox Win!

The Red Sox have finally won one, well not a game.  But I mark this video in the win column for them.  I mean, sure they are 0-6.  Sure all their cocky douche-bag fans have finally piped down after what seems like years of Red Sox ball licking.  Sure Kevin Youkilis has been outed as a complete loser cry baby.  But I think I'd want to have all that happen to my team rather than see a pathetic video like this made by a Mets fan.  I didn't think it was possible to make something lamer than that stupid Rebecca Black video, but this Stankees fan blew that shit out of the water.

Woohoo, rivary!  Come on bro, lets at least see some sweet awkward white guy dance moves.  Don't just stand there like a lump.  I think this kid has actually just totally cheapened what was the best rivalry in sports.  Now Yanks-Red Sox seems like it should fall somewhere in between Mets-Phillies and Brewers-Pirates.  Why make this?  Why post this on youtube after you've seen how bad it is?  Why does this video have more hits than my blog?  Why!

meh blog has a suggestion for tim tims next campaign ad

As a politician, you're supposed to face any controversies head on right?  Better to embrace the issue and put it to rest rather than let it drag on for weeks in the media.  Earlier today I wrote an awesome blog about Ben Foster, Tim Pawlentys staff member, who while campaigning in Iowa, got so wasted that he tried to break in to some random families house.  And,  yesterday I wrote another awesome blog about Tim Tims completely tasteless farce of a campaign ad.  Well, we here at meh blog thought we would help Tim Tim out with his next epic campaign ad. Enjoy.

The 2011 Red Sox are still in Meh Mode, Not Time to Panic yet

I'm still very Meh on this putrid Red Sox start. I realize 0-6 is just a horrible start to a season where they're picked to make the World Series by most experts. It actually can't get much worse, right? Not only are they winless, and not only have they been outscored 38-16 while being out homered 14-4, but the way they're losing some of these games is mind-boggling. I just witnessed them lose a 1-0 game because of a successful suicide squeeze by the Indians combined with a Red Sox player sliding past 2nd base for the final out of the game. And last night, by all accounts, they effectively lost the game because one of the fattest pitchers in baseball history (pictured above) came in the game for the 6th inning and promptly hit 2 batter & walked another without getting an out. "Beating themselves" doesn't even do this team justice.

However...it's 6 games into the season. If it's a fact that every baseball player slumps at some point in a very long season, then should we really be so upset that all the Red Sox players have decided to come out of the gate in epic slumps? Isn't that actually the best way for it to happen? Everyone slumps together, they get demolished in a bunch of games, and then for the next 5 months, they look like the best team in baseball.

That's how this is gonna play out. Otherwise I'm getting on the Orioles' bandwagon by Memorial Day.