Loser kid loves America, double loves cliched music

Unbelievable.  This is literally the kind of shit that just makes me want to leave America.  Little twerps like this singing stupid songs and making music videos.  Hey kid, you don't know shit about shit.  That's honestly the worst song I've ever heard in my life, worse than that stupid Friday song that they intentionally made bad.  Kid can't even sing.  You're dying for America bro?  Really?  I love when they cut to him playing the piano and all you hear are strings.  Nice song writing too.  Kid makes Justin Bieber look like Bob Dylan. Meh.

I Hate Bandwagon Fans

Ahh, Opening Day in baseball. A beautiful time of year where the weather is warming up, there's hope amongst all the ball clubs, and the random team that won last year's World Series still has an overload of bandwagon fans.

For the first time in my life, I'm living among that exact group of people - San Francisco Giants "fans." And all you need to do is watch the first 1:50 of the video above to understand what 95% of these "fans" are like. Everyone of them was just like that guy last year--suddenly knowing the names of the players, buying up all sorts of orange gear, and paying out their asses for tickets to the playoff games. Other than Dodgers games, these "fans" weren't showing up at the Stadium at all last year until the final 2 weeks of the season when they realized the playoffs were on the horizon.

Say what you want about my beloved Red Sox & their fan base, but they were selling out Fenway Park every game for a couple years before they won in '04, and generally speaking, the bandwagon fans of the Sox are only a small portion of the total fan base.

When my co-worker sat down at his cubicle today (a cube that includes a "get your orange on" Giants towel, a Tim Lincecum bobblehead, and an orange Giants foam finger), I looked over and said, "Opening night tonight huh?"

He responded, "Is it? I don't know. I just know I have tickets to next Friday's home opener."

Wait, what? You were the "biggest fan on the planet" last October, went to every single playoff game, and own roughly 7 grand in Giants gear, but you don't know and don't care if they start their World Championship defense tonight??? Especially against the "hated" Dodgers?? Mind-boggling to a real baseball fan like me.

It's not even April 1st yet, and I can tell this is going to annoy me all year. I live 1 mile from AT&T Park, and over the last 5 years, I've really enjoyed being able to walk down to a game without any planning and grab a ticket for under $20. I have a feeling those days are gone. Actually, who am I kidding? These are bandwagon fans. The moment Lincecum goes down with an injury or the Giants fall to 3rd in the NL West, these people will be dying to give their tickets away...so they can go back to being Foodies & criticizing everything that's not San Francisco in this world.

So, we're still just pouring water on these fuel rods?

I've been hesitant to write about the nuclear meltdown in Japan because this blog is really supposed to focus on the little things that annoy us that we may see in our day to day lives and say, "meh."  Clearly, this goes far beyond that definition.  But, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want.  It's just infuriating that these assholes who caused this have no idea how to stop it.  Also, despite the fact that they've ignored warnings from numerous engineers and scientists, who have been claiming for 30 years that the plants were not adequately prepared for this type of event, they will probably face no criminal charges.  They acted complete irresponsibly and put people's lives as well as the environment of Japan and the rest of the world at perilous risk, and did so essentially for financial gain.

The other thing that pisses me off is that between this disaster and the gulf oil spill, it seems like there's a complete disconnect between the kind of ingenious innovation that allows us to do things like create nuclear energy, or dig thousands of feet below the sea for oil, and the kind of strategies they come up with to fix things when all the shit breaks.  Hmmm, millions of gallons of oil gushing into the sea?  Let's try throwing a bunch of garbage at it to clog it up.  Nuclear fuel rods overheating?  Just throw some water on it.  All these guys remind of this kid I knew in college.  The kid was a fucking genius.  Went through business school without doing an ounce of homework, was completely stoned or drunk all the time, and got A's on every test he took.  But, he had absolutely no common sense, was completely broke all the time and whenever he did have any money, he would immediately lose it playing online poker.  The kid literally went into a 7-11 one night, bought a bag of combos, realized that he didn't have enough money in his debit account for the dollar bag of combos and bought them anyway.... knowing that his bank would charge him $25 for over-drawing his account.  He walked out and said "you know you're in bad financial shape when you have to finance combos."  Well, you also know you're in bad shape when your nuclear power plant is melting down and your only answer is to throw some water on it.

The internet makes me uncomfortable.

Come on Tom, you're never gonna get with Kathy with a pussy attitude like that.  Should have played it cool and been like "Hey Kathy, I saw some cool stuff surfing the web last night, wanna come over and check it out later?"  It's almost impossible to blog about this because it pretty much speaks for itself.  From the awkward unrealistic conversation between Kathy and Tom, to the Microsoft word chatroom they are in, to the classic Chester the Molester with the mustache and the cutoff t-shirt.  I mean, is it even possible to have a mustache and not look like a complete pervert?  I don't know what it is about that specific type of facial hair, but every time I see someone with a mustache, I just assume that he's a sexual predator.

Huffington Post is killing me!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/29/7-sites-you-should-be-was_n_842232.html#s259084&title=Calliope_Songs

So the Huffington Post puts up this slideshow of "7 sites you should be wasting your time on."  Seems like a good idea right?  Right.  So what do they mention?  Some weird Charlie Brown site, a map of average penis sizes, and something about steamboats.  And what do they not mention?  meh blog.  Man, I feel like Sarah Palin right now.  Just getting screwed by the liberal media. Next they'll be interviewing me on national TV and asking me trick questions like what newspapers I read.  I know they're all just sitting around eating Tofu, collecting welfare checks and figuring out how to tax the shit out of me and my small business.  (Side note to the Huffington Post- I didn't mean any of that, please give me free recognition on your site.)

Bicycles make people mad

http://brooklyn.ny1.com/content/top_stories/135370/fight-over-prospect-park-bike-lane-heats-up-at-park-slope-meeting

So we have all these new bike lanes in NYC and of course everybody's has to have an opinion on whether they are a good idea or not.  People got nothing better to do than to run their mouths about how the city's going to shit because they drew some lines on the street where the bikers get to ride their little bikes and not have to worry about getting mowed down by some asshole cab driver eating a slice of pizza and talking on his bluetooth. Nothing pisses me off more than a bunch of prick New Yorkers getting all uppity over stupid shit like this. Bottom line, if you're a pedestrian, you hate all forms of traffic, cars, bikes, busses, everything.  If you're driving a car, nothing is more annoying than pedestrians meandering around the streets.  Every time I drive in the city, I want to murder everyone that walks in front of my car.  And if you're on a bike, well you're probably just disobeying all the rules and pissing everybody off.  You're either biking down the sidewalk where people are trying to walk, or biking on the street and slowing down traffic.

So yeah, I don't really see the downside to giving bikers their own lane as long as they start to obey the rules.  The problem is that bikers in NYC seem to think they're in the fucking wild west or something.  Like the rules don't apply to them.  They're all over the place, the street, the sidewalks, the parks.  They don't stop for red lights and they expect everyone to move out of their way.  Makes me sick.  Wish I had a baseball bat every time one of these guys rides past me and yells "on your left" or god forbid rings one of their little bells.  What we need is more bike cops, so these jerk bikers get ticketed when they do something wrong.  Bam, genius, once again friedchips is coming up with brilliant ideas and making the city a fortune in profits.  meh blog for mayor?

City Peddlers Peddling their Shit

It probably comes as no surprise when I say one of the biggest differences between growing up in a small suburban town and now living in a large city is the homeless situation. Actually, scratch that, let's call it the "peddler situation." It would be irresponsible to make the blanket statement that all the people in San Francisco that are peddling some sort of crap are homeless, because I'm sure many of them are not.

Either way, my point is that it can be extremely frustrating dealing with these people. Let's examine my 70 second walk from the moment I get off the train in the morning to when I step inside my office:

:07 seconds: Upon exiting the train & before getting on the escalator, a downtrodden-looking woman sits on the ground with a dog next to her & a sign saying "any help you can give, please."

:22 seconds: At the top of the escalator, still underground, competing "music peddlers" playing their craptacular music. There are the two 20-year-old guys playing guitars together, and then the really old man with the scruffy white beard playing a violin. If you make eye contact with any of them, they immediately motion down to their money collecting bucket. And of course, the competing "music" does not bring happiness to my ears.

:45 seconds: Approaching the top of the 2nd escalator that will put me on the sidewalk, and of course, there's the woman who is handing out free newspapers every day. I know what you're thinking, why complain about someone handing out free newspapers? Two reasons: one, I still have to do the awkward avoidance, not making eye contact move or else I feel bad, and two, I don't read the news so all she is offering me is a piece of junk that'll get ink all over my fingers.

:55 seconds: Outside now, the entrance to my building is only 40 feet away. You'd think I'm in the clear, right? Wrong. There's the shoe-shiner guy who swears he can do a good shoe-shining job in under 5 minutes if you just give him 8 bucks, the "miscellaneous item" seller hawking cell phone chargers and Xbox power cords, and finally there's a minimum of 3 homeless people straight up asking for money...at least "constantly bleeding foot guy" wasn't out today. He's the worst.

And all this takes place in just a 70-second sliver of my life. At the grocery store, these "peddlers" have gotten so good that no matter which way you answer their question, you're screwed. It's the same thing every time...2 or 3 people standing at the entrance holding clipboards. They ask, "Are you a registered voter?"

Your first instinct is to think that they want to register you as a new voter, so you say yes, but then they flip it around and respond with, "Great, then would you be willing to sign this petition for [insert generic, probably fake cause here]."

If you respond to the registered voter question with, "No," they say, "Ok, can I register you to vote so then you can sign my petition...?"

It's a never-ending mind game with these people. By the time I get into the store, or into my office, I'm exhausted.

At least in my small town growing up all they had were peeping Toms. Those guys never bothered you in public; they simply wanted to watch you from a distance. Amen.

Note to self. If my coworkers go in on a lottery ticket and ask me to join, always say yes.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/he_out_of_luck_SFNCcaLtOfTb8ry5Pj6WKK

I can't imagine how depressed this guy must be right now.  I lost a chance at winning 250 bucks when UNC lost Sunday night, and I've barely been able to get out of bed in the morning ever since.  How could I not have picked Kentucky!  The guy probably has played every week for the last 10 years, hoping beyond hope that he would hit it big and could quit his shit job, and then he finally says "nah, gonna save my dollar this week and buy a can of coke instead" and bam.  It simply doesn't get any worse than this.  Meanwhile, he's sitting at work right now hating his life and probably working late since all these jerks just decided not to show up.  That's kind of messed up right?  No 2 weeks notice?  If I won the lottery, I'd have some class and put in my 2 weeks.  And I'd spend those 2 weeks dancing around the office, wearing Armani suits, and ordering lobsters and steaks and champagne for lunch.  I'd show up in a limo every day and probably pay someone else to do the work for me while I sit back and search the internet for yachts and Porsche's and Islands for sale.  Yup, those two weeks would be the best two weeks of my life.  Just living it up Cribs style at the office and shoving it in everyones face.

Uhhhhhhh, what?

http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2011/03/28

You know, I'm sure you're all expecting me to totally destroy this girl.  That's what loyal meh blog readers have come to expect, but honestly, I don't think this is that bad of an idea.  I mean, it is.... and it isn't.  On the one hand, it's preposterously stupid and pointless.  But on the other hand, I think there's a lot of people that would buy these jars.  In fact, I'm willing to bet that if Glenn Beck did a show about how Barack Obama is planning on taking away our air and giving it to the Jihadists, and then did a commercial selling jars of fresh Himalayan mountain air, literally everyone watching Fox news would call up and buy a shitload of jars of air.  Then they'd just pile as much up as they could next to their assault rifles and gold coins in their makeshift bunker.

Also, gotta love the part about everybody's life force being in the air, and how pollution is really just negative energy.  That's some existential shit right there.  Totally selling me.  And here I've been wasting thousands of dollars going to all these places, when what I should have done was just bought some air for a few hundred bucks.  That brings us to my genius idea... if we combine the air with a dvd of some pictures of the other country, we've totally replaced the entire traveling experience.  Absolutely no reason to ever spend money on a trip again.  Booyah!  Gimme my 500 grand, gonna need a bunch of experts and stuff to make this happen.

I like Food too. I'm just not a douche about it

You’d think one of the benefits to living in San Francisco is all the diverse restaurant options in the area. The only problem is that this benefit gets negated by all the people who think they are god’s gift to judging food. You call yourself a Foodie; I call you a douche bag. These people think they were put on this planet for the specific purpose of judging food. Let’s call them what they really are: food snobs. And I mean that in the least complimentary way possible. Just to be clear, I’m not talking about actual food critics or world-renowned chefs. I’m talking about those friends who simply cannot believe you’ve eaten at the same restaurant twice, especially when it’s not a place they love. These people have basically nominated themselves to make all the dining decisions for your group whether you like it or not. And god forbid you do suggest a place that isn’t up to par for them—they huff & puff and act like you’ve just slaughtered their puppy.

These people—you know who I’m talking about—use words like foie gras just to make sure you know that they know their food. Congratulations, you like good fucking food. I’m so proud of you. Me? No, I hate good food. Despise it.

And by the way, these people are the ones who will go on and on and on about the new restaurant in town that makes the most delicious Juniper Crusted Venison, cooked ever so perfectly. And then they will walk by your cubicle at work with their Subway sandwich for lunch.

You call yourself a Foodie; I call you a fucking fat ass.

Newt is just making too easy

http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/28/gingrich-fears-atheist-country-dominated-by-radical-islamists/


I've always loved the Daily Show, partly because I hate hypocrites, and the Daily Show has the resources to catch these dumb-ass politicians contradicting themselves by going back years and years to old interviews and speeches, thus demonstrating that they don't actually have any real values and only say what is politically convenient at the time.  Well, now Newt Gingrich is making it possible for me to do the same here at meh blog.  I almost feel like he saw my blog and went out of his way to give me this opportunity.  The guy goes out and literally contradicts himself in one sentence.  I don't even have to read his whole speech, or even a paragraph:

"I have two grandchildren: Maggie is 11; Robert is 9," Gingrich said at Cornerstone Church here. "I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

Well which is it you old dumb fuck?  Are we going to be a bunch of secular atheists, or a bunch of radical Islamists?  I mean, those two things couldn't possibly be more antithetical.  Either way, isn't it crazy that any church would let this clown come in and speak?  He cheated on his first wife while she had cancer, and then cheated on his second wife while he was trying to impeach Clinton for the Lewinsky scandal.  Sweet Christian values buddy.  Pretty much the height of immorality right there.  And then he defends himself by saying, "There's no question at times in my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."  I love how these guys try to take anything they've done wrong and turn it in to a sign of their patriotism.  Come on bro, don't BS a BS-er.  That's the most ludicrous comment I've ever heard.  Classic republican defense though... yeah I didn't want to cheat on my wife with that dude in the bathroom, but um, well, 9/11 was bad. America is great. 

This kid is depressing me

Hey kid, I think you're supposed to have a lot of anger issues and be working as a janitor at MIT.  I don't understand a word this kid said.  He might as well be speaking Russian.  I'm pretty sure his dog was understanding more of what was going on than I was.  I mean, while he was babbling on about g and x and primes and Einstein, I was just like, "oh look the dog!"  I can barely figure out how much to tip on a $100 check at a restaurant, and there's a 12 year old out there writing Good Will Hunting problems on his parents window.  Just depresses the hell out of me and marshmallow brain.  Hey Jacob, it's not your fault.

Reason #963 that Delaware sucks

As if Delaware wasn't crappy enough already, now they're tearing down basketball hoops, hating kids, trampling our constitutional rights, and sending some dumb bitch in a hoody out to do it to us.  If you're going to go out and steal people's basketball hoops, get your hair done and put on a pants suit.  Don't come out looking like your primed for another day of eating tuna sandwiches and watching your stories.  And do you seriously need a bulldozer to accomplish this?   Can't believe these pussies needed a bulldozer to put a 10 foot pole with hoop into a dumpster.  Maybe that's why everyone in Delaware is so fat and annoying, just using bulldozers and power tools when it's totally unnecessary.  Hey Delaware, maybe instead of destroying kids lives, you could fix your highways.  I swear to god, every time I have to drive through that piece of shit state, it takes me like 3 hours and I'm pretty sure it's about 2 miles wide.  It's just a mess of traffic, children haters, and state troopers lying to disabled people with canes.

Stupid Groundhog

Well, this settles it.  That stupid groundhog doesn't know shit.  It's March 28th.  We're a week into "spring."  We're mere days away from opening day.  And I'm still freezing my balls off.   It's still going down into the twenties at night.  I'm still stuck wearing my huge ass jacket and my pajama pants underneath my regular pants.  And that stupid rodent predicted an early end to winter.  What's the point of having a magical groundhog that knows the future, if he's constantly getting it wrong and screwing with our heads.  Stupid groundhog.  The worst part is that 2 weeks ago it was like 70 degrees for 2 days, and now they're predicting a rainy, snowy mix for later this week.  That's just the worst, freezing rain just pouring down on you, ruining your day, ruining your life.  Every time you think you're out, they pull you back in.

Bathroom Madness

You know what I hate?  Fucking restaurants and bars with bathroom attendants.  Possibly the most useless job on the face of the earth.  Probably the worst job also.  I mean really, can anybody think of a more horrible, demeaning job that this?  You just stand in the bathroom all night, squeezing people's soap and handing them towels.  This is what society has deemed you capable of.  Just pathetic.  I would most likely leave work every night and cry myself to sleep if I had to do that.  Plus you think any of the hot chicks he works with are looking to go home with the bathroom guy?  Don't think so, pretty sure the midget bus boy that can't speak english has a better shot than Lavatory Lenny.  So, you kind of have to feel bad for the poor guys that get stuck with this job.

But at the same time, it pisses me off that I have to deal with this guy every time I want to go take a leak.  The worst is when it's not even a nice place.  Like if you're not the Four Seasons, there's no fucking reason to have a bathroom attendant.  If you serve Pabst Blue Ribbon, or would even consider serving it, don't have a bathroom attendant.  If I'm in a bar, I don't want to have to deal with some dude trying to hand me towels every time I go to the bathroom.  Plus, now it's costing me a dollar every time I go in.  I'm basically forced to pay for something I don't want.  Not only is there no benefit to me in this transaction, but having a guy wait for you to finish yo' business so that he can turn on a faucet, dispense your soap and hand you a towel is pretty flipping awkward.  So yeah, there's that too.

What's wrong with this kid?

I've pulled off some pretty sweet pranks in my day.  Once I tin foiled literally everything in my roommates room.  Another time, on a saturday night, I took his door off his hinges so that when he got back with his date, the door just fell straight on to his face.  Classic.  But this is on a whole other level.  This is the kind of shit you tell your grandkids about, the kind of prank that goes down in history and gets a bajillion hits on youtube.  The kind of prank that makes me want to go buy a boat load of chloroform, just so I can do this to somebody else.

Still, there's gotta be something seriously wrong with this kid.  I mean, I've been pretty wasted before, but I'm pretty sure I would wake up if two guys picked me up, dragged me outside and plopped me down on  a patch of grass before floating me out to sea.  I feel like this kid needs to go see Dr. House, cause there is some weird shit going on if you can sleep through that.  He could totally have some crazy one in a million disease that ends up making him bleed out of his head, and nobody can cure him until House see's this video and figures it all out with like 2 minutes left in the show.  Then bangs Cutty in the closet and walks out with his hand in her back pocket.  Classic prank.  Classic House.

Alanis never said, "One hand in my boyfriend's pocket"

I've held my tongue long enough and I cannot hold it any more. Couples who habitually play grab-ass in public by sticking their hands in each other's back pockets bother me. You know what I'm talking about: walking side-by-side, his hand grabbing her ass via the back pocket and her hand doing the same to his tush. For years I've been trying to figure out the purpose of this "move." Is it because you are so in love you simply cannot take your hands off each other? If that's the case, take her to the nearest back alley and bang her; I guarantee you won't feel the need to touch each other for at least the next 30 minutes. Is it because walking side-by-side holding each other's asses is comfortable? Obviously not. I assume it would give me arm cramps. Is it because your hands are cold? I'll buy you a pair of fucking mittens. And another thing: how do these people even walk so closely together without screwing up? If I had to walk that close to another person, I'd constantly be tripping. But I've never been a great walker anyway. Why do I even care about these people? I don't really, but for one thing this compromising position makes it difficult for these people to maneuver on crowded sidewalks, forcing me to step out of their way. And also, I just think it's kind of gross to grab your partners' ass in public. And by the way, if there was no pocket on the back of pants, this move would be totally unacceptable, just like it's unacceptable for me to put my hand in the front pocket of my girlfriend's pants. So why, specifically, is the back pocket cool? Next time I see this happening, I'm gonna grab the woman closest to me, stick my hand down the front of her pants, make her do the same to me, and then circle the ass-grabbing offenders. See how they like it...I know I'll like it.

New Blogger Madness

Well, here we are, the end of week 2 at meh blog.  It's been a long hard journey, filled with ups, downs, happy moments, sad moments, and unbridled success.  Today, we add our second official meh blogger, Rmurdera.  BAM, POW, just saying fuck it and doubling the size of the company.  Ain't nobody gonna hold us down, we've got to keep on moving.  Now we've got both NYC and Cali represented at meh blog.  Gonna be interesting to see how the Cali experiment goes.  Frankly, there's got to be a lot less to complain about out there than in crappy New York, but I guess we'll see.  Either way, meh blog is the toast of the interwebs right now.  We're just Mark Zuckerberging the shit out of everybody, kicking ass and taking names with sweet, sultry blogs.

Better recognize!

We've all been there haven't we.  On the train after a long day at work, just trying to get home, just trying to have the punk ass bitch across from you recognize your name.  But he just sits there, flipping through his book, being all nonchalant, doesn't seem to care at all that you're calling him names, that you have a sweet name like Bloody Loko, that you're ready to get out at the next stop and shoot it up.  Just wearing the shit out of his blue sweater and not paying you any attention.  Makes me sick.

The Ed Koch Queensboro Bridge!

I don't understand who comes up with ideas like this.  When I have an idea, there's usually some end game involved.  If I'm going to exert any effort towards something, there has to be some benefit, some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I literally don't see any benefit to renaming bridges.  The Triboro bridge is now the RFK bridge.   The Queensboro bridge is now the Ed Koch bridge.  What the fuck is the point?  Just trying to confuse the shit out of people trying to get home from work?  Plus, it costs a shitload of money to remake the signs and all that shit.  The only way they should rename the bridge is if Ed Koch pays like a bazillion dollars for them to do it.  I mean it's pretty obvious that someone in the government owns a sign company or has a "friend" that owns a sign company, right?  Otherwise why start renaming bridges?  I don't think the name of the bridge was bothering anyone.  It's all the pot holes and the $10 tolls that tend to piss people off.  Personally, you couldn't pay me to have my name on either of those piece of shit bridges.  Just a matter of time before one of them falls over, and then who are they gonna blame?

Plus, it seems from the news that there was at least a full day of debate about whether or not this is a good idea.  People just getting all bent out of shape cause they never liked Ed Koch or think he was a shitty mayor.  Frankly, I don't really know or care what he did as mayor since that was like 50 years ago.  I grew up watching Koch rain down verdicts on The People's Court, and he seemed pretty good at that.  But from what I've heard, NYC was broke, and even more of a cesspool of filth when he was running the show than it is now, so who knows.  It's just a tremendous waste of time and energy to get all upset and offended that they would rename the bridge, like it's a slight to Queens or something.  

If these guys really want to help the city, they should be selling the naming rights to the highest bidder.  How much money do you think we could get if we called it the Goldman Sachs bridge?  Probably enough to save a few schools, and maybe even fix some of those potholes.

Barry Bonds lied to a bunch of asshole liars

Here we go again with this ridiculous charade of a trial.  How much money is being wasted on trying to get Barry Bonds to admit that he did steroids?  And why does congress or anyone in our government give a shit?  Is this a matter of national security, or balancing the budget or is it at all relevant to what elected officials are elected to do?  Obviously he did roids, and he's obviously one of the biggest jerks on the planet, but he doesn't, for a second, deserve to go to jail.  Just don't let him in the hall of fame, take away his record, and end it.

Also, let's not pretend that lying to congress is some sort of immoral thing to do.  If anything, it's the only thing Bonds has done right.  I'm pretty sure it's in the congressional handbook that you have to lie, cheat and steal every day just to keep your job.  A congressman or senator accusing someone of lying is like me accusing someone of being an awesome blogger.  Takes one to know one.

Locker room madness

The exact same thing happened to me this morning at the gym.  I mean, someone didn't literally pee on my bush.  So, I'm in the locker room getting changed, all pumped up to have a totally awesome run on the tread mill, just minding my business, when some old man comes out of nowhere and takes the locker 2 lockers to the left of me.  This may sound like I'm griping about nothing.  I mean, if the locker room was crowded, this would be a totally normal thing to do, but there was only one other guy in the room.  There were at least 100 other lockers this guy could have chosen where nobody would have been near him.  So why?  Why I ask you does he have to come and pee on my bush.  Totally threw me off my game and ruined my run.  And I would never say anything in this situation.  Never know what to expect from a guy who would do something like that.  Could just go bonkers and call me the king of the forest or something.  

While we're talking about locker room etiquette, what's with guys walking around stark naked in the gym.  There's always like 1 or 2 guys that seem to think it's cool to just waddle around the locker room with nothing on, no towel, nothing.  I saw a guy shaving naked today.  This is shit I wouldn't even think of doing in my own house.  Personally, I'm a boxers under the towel sort of guy, not that I think that sort of precaution is completely necessary.  I'd say that once the towel comes off, there is a 10 second window to get some pants on.  Anything over that and shit starts to get weird.   Certainly shouldn't be walking around all nimbly-bimbly just brushing your teeth and shaving.  For the other 23 1/2 hours a day I'm not in the locker room, this behavior would be totally unacceptable, so why should it be cool during that half hour.  Also, the blow dryers in the locker room are for drying your hair.... the hair on your head, and that's it.  

Stupid moo-cow hates gays, loves wearing scarfs on her head

I just don't get it.  I've been blogging my ass off for the last week.  Where's my showbiz tonight interviews?  Where's all the media buzz around my violently awesome blogs?  This bitch writes a bunch of non-sensical hate speech and gets to go on tv, thumping the bible and wearing a scarf on her head?  I love these idiots that go on television and can barely form a sentence.  "Well, um, I'm, it doesn't matter what I think (no shit) ..... and I'm really concerned about our country because, um, immorality is, well? The, ugh, let's see, secular humanism blablabla."  You can literally see this imbecile trying to form some sort of cohesive thought in her head, and then she completely goes off on a tangent, quoting scripture or something.  I don't remember much from bible school, but I'm pretty sure if you go by the bible word for word, Victoria would be in a cage getting beat by her husband right now for having an opinion, and that would be totally cool with everybody.  Look, I'm no glee fan, but if they want to show two guys getting it on, that's fine with me, as long as they show the girls doing it too.  See, it's all about equal opportunity.

Idiotic quote of the day: "I just want to know why liberals are pro-muslim and pro-gay.  Muslims kill gays."    She really hit nail on the head with that one.  Stupid liberals, we've been thwarting ourselves this whole time, just unwittingly sabotaging our own agenda.  Good thing Victoria had her thinking scarf on and was able to show us the light.  I guess it's time we buck up and pick one of these two groups.  But wait, maybe it's not that we're pro-muslim and pro-gay, maybe we just don't think it's fair to discriminate against a group of people because of their religion or sexual preference.  Interesting debate strategy though, lambasting one group of people for discriminating against the very same group you're discriminating against, all while making blanket, false statements.    

MARCH SADNESS... loser, idiot player cries like a BITCH after losing

Waaaaaaaa, I just wanted to play in the final 4 and now I guess that's not gonna happen, waaaaaa.  Wow, I'd love to see how this guy reacts when something bad actually happens to him.  Yeah you scored 38 points, but you might as well have scored 0 points bro, because you lost.  And how about that asshole reprimanding the reporter for asking that question, like he was being out of line.  It's the reporters fault this Pullen character has the emotional maturity of a hormonal 13 year old girl?  I'd love to see Pullen walk a mile in my shoes.  I had Kansas state going to the elite 8, and Pitt going to the final 4. My bracket is toasted every year by day 2, but you don't see me tearing up like a like my fish just died.  I pull myself up by my bootstraps, drown my sorrows with a few gin and tonics, write a few violently awesome blogs and go on about my day. 

You know what's crazy?  In all the videos I've seen of the Japanese people affected by the tsunami, they're all totally calm, just waiting on line to get some fresh water and some food with like 1000 people while they watch what's left of their house floating down the street.  Meanwhile,  this man child is on national tv balling his eyes out over losing a basketball game.  Absolutely pathetic.  And then all the idiot analysts take his side, and say how great it is that he cares so much about his team.  Newsflash, if you're over the age of 8 and you cry after losing a basketball game, you're a complete loser.  And if this chump wants to make it in the NBA, he better take a more NBA-like attitude.  You think Lebron would have cared about losing that game?  Hell no, he would have been like, "what we lost? Oh well I dropped 38 points and broke some records.  Holla. Winning."

Meh blog breaking records

In its first week, the Meh blog already has 6 followers and over 60 page hits.  That's gotta be some sort of internet record or something.  I don't want to say we're going to be bigger than facebook, but let's just say that it shouldn't be too long before I'm donating millions to Newark public schools and Hollywood's making movies about me outsmarting a couple of douchey Harvard cry babies.  Anyway, something tells me it's time to break out the Veuve, quit my day job and start rehearsing the snarky, I'm-better-and-smarter-than-everyone-else attitude that I'm going to need when I'm in my fancy lawyer meetings wearing Meh blog hoodies and flip flops.

spaghetti madness

I think it would be a great idea if all my blog posts are titled "something" madness during march madness.  That's the kind of cute, cheeky, not-too-in-your-face comedy that takes a 4 day old, sputtering blog straight to the top.  Today, I feature two grown women on the subway fighting over spaghetti or something.  Frankly, this video is horrifying as it really typifies what I consider to be the low point in human behavior.  It's just impossible to root for either of these gremlins and I feel degraded for just watching it, but I think it brings up an interesting debate about eating on the subway.  I see it all the time, and if it's anything more than a candy bar or donut, it's just not cool.  Basically anything with an odor should be off limits.  I certainly don't want to sit next to some specimen chowing down on chef boyardee on my way home from work.  At the same time, the appropriate thing to do when faced with this situation is to just grin and bear it, and then possibly go home and write a ground breaking, earth shattering blog.

All that being said, I often pick up a rotisserie chicken at Eataly and bring it home with me on the train.  That train ride is pretty much the worst half hour of my life. Nothing smells more potent (and delicious) than a freshly rotisseried chicken.  As soon as I step on the train, the entire car smells like a boston market, so I sit down, stuff the bag under my seat, and hope that nobody connects it to me.  The whole ride I'm just feeling hate stares all over the place.  But hey, at least I'm not sitting there chowing down on chicken bones or getting marinara sauce all over the guy sitting next to me.  I have standards.

Good day

Nothing to complain about today.  March madness has begun, I'm 5-1 so far and so, so, so due for a winning bracket.  I can practically taste the 2 grand coming to me when I beat out the other 173 people in my pool.  No doubt I'll be out of it by 4pm tomorrow, but for now I'm riding high.  Also, going to be an interesting St. Paddy's day commute home. There's gotta be a 95% chance some delinquent 16 year old pukes up green beer all over me on the subway.  Can't wait.

Just another day on an nyc subway

I know this video is a few weeks old, but I just can't get it out of my mind.  I don't understand people's reaction to this.  Like, oh haha, there's a rat on this dude's face.  Isn't a little weird that there's a rat scampering around a train car and people's only reaction is to lift up their feet or pull out their phone to record it running up in some poor guy's grill?  Is this what we've come to? Sharing our train with rats?  Rats belong underneath the platform, period.

But apparently the repulsive nest of filth underneath the subway wasn't good enough for Lemmiwinks here.  He wants some of the good life, and trust me, it won't be long until he share's his secrets with his grimy friends.  Soon rats will just be chilling on the subway, reading the paper, eating buckets of fried chicken, blasting their ipods so that the whole train has to hear it.  What's the etiquette gonna be for that?  A pregnant rat waddles on to the train.  Do I have to give up my seat?  What about that awkward situation where you think Lemmiwink's girl is pregnant, but maybe she's just been hitting the trash behind the deli a little hard?  I think the last thing I want to do is offend a new york city rat.  No thanks, looks like I'm taking the bus.

PS - The subway tracks are undoubtedly the grossest places on earth.  Just, garbage, rat-infested water and pure filth.  I'm convinced my life gets shorter every time I stand on the platform and breathe in that vile mess.  But hey, at least my metrocard is only $104 a month, totally worth it.

Too many bloggers

Hello, and welcome to the first post of my blog about things that mildly perturb me.  I hope you find it as enlightening and cathartic as you should.  My first complaint is that it is clear to me that far too many people are blogging these days.  Is it hypocritical of me to say that when I am here writing a blog?  No it isn't.  Enough said.


I literally went through dozens of potential addresses for this blog before finally finding one that was not taken.  That being said, I'd like to dedicate this first post to Shauna, who took the the web address that I really wanted "meh.blogspot.com" in 2001.  Here's Shauna's brilliant first.... and last post.


"So, this here is my blogger. Right now I've really got absolutely noting to say, aside from the fact the I'm starving! So I think I'll leave this very small post and eat something 

! Ta ta."

Special thanks to Shauna for that insightful and engaging blog, and for ruining my day by taking my blog name and possibly thwarting my attempts at making an awesome cash cow of a blog that gets a zillion hits a day because of its sweet name.  I don't know Shauna, but you can just tell she is some simpleton yokel, sitting around on the internets and writing her "blogger."  Not a care in the world except for when she's gonna get her next twinkie fix.  Just the type of person who shouldn't be trying to write blogs and taking all the good names and web addresses.  Ta ta.