Happy summer in NYC!

So it's finally sunny and hot in New York.  Seems like I should be happy about this right?  I mean I've been waiting for this for months.  Only thing is it smells like hot garbage and feces outside.  Yes, there is nothing quite like garbage day in New York in the summer time.  I've never been to a live horse sex show in Tijuana, but I imagine it would smell pretty similar to the stench I smelled this morning on my walk to work.  Just smelled like steaming piles of sweat and horse piss and shit all over the place.  I literally almost threw up when I walked out my apartment this morning.  And this is precisely why I hate this city.

A typical year in New York goes something like this.  Spend the first few months in weather that's so fucking cold I feel like my dick is gonna break off when I walk outside.  Also, throw in a few blizzards where there's like two feet of snow.  So go ahead and chalk up a couple afternoons and early mornings to digging yourself and your car out of piles of bulldozed snow.  Always a good time.  Then after a few months of freezing your balls off and trudging through disgusting slushy filth, spring comes!  And it fucking rains every day of your life for two months.  So yeah, finally it's like 50 or 60 degrees.  Not too hot, not too cold.  But by the time you get wherever you're going, you're totally soaked.  And you've just gone through a fucking minefield of puddles and obnoxious people with giant umbrellas.

Then summer rolls around, and all of the sewage and grime and grossness inherent to this cesspool of filth starts to melt together and smell like absolute death.  Nothing like paying exorbitant rent prices to live in a shoe box and be in a constant state of discomfort.  Greatest city in the world?  I think not.

Team Chemistry 101: Verbally Destroy Your Star Players

In this week's installment of "How could the New York Mets possibly sink to a new low" we look not on the field (where the Mets are so damn close to last place in their division) but off the field, to owner Fred Wilpon.

Note to future business leaders of America: if you want to build a winning organization, take a page out of ol' Freddy's playbook and talk trash about your most important employees through the media. Nothing says "go give it your all, kid" like being thrown under the bus by the man who writes your checks.

Here's what this jackass (actually, sorry, he called himself a schmuck in the article so let's stick with that)...here's what this schmuck had to say about his star players:

-On Carlos Beltran (highest paid player on the roster): "We had some schmuck in New York who paid him based on that one series (referring to Beltran's 2004 playoffs with the Astros). He's 65 to 70 percent of what he was."

-On David Wright (3rd highest paid player on the roster & easily their cornerstone): "Really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar."

-On Jose Reyes (5th highest paid player on the roster): "He thinks he's going to get Carl Crawford money. He's had everything wrong with him. He won't get it."

For those of us keeping score at home, the Mets owner basically just said that his 3 best players are not nearly as good as they think they are. I guess $120 million just doesn't buy what it used to. What I don't understand is that Wilpon wasn't being forced to answer questions about his star players. It's not like he was sitting before a Grand Jury or a mad man with a gun to his head and had to answer truthfully on how good he thinks his players really are. He could have just said...nothing.

And if life wasn't already depressing enough for Mets fans, they get to root for a team where even the owner hates the players. That sounds like a blast (speaking of Mets fans, I better call Freedchips right now to make sure he's still alive). Hey, at least they've got the up-and-coming Ike Davis to look forward to, though I'd bet my life on him succumbing to a horrible tragedy like falling off the George Washington Bridge while rollerskating to the ballpark.

Maybe the Mets will finally get better once Wilpon dies, though the Yankees tried that and it hasn't really worked so far.

New game: ultra-douchey or technology-handicapped?

(not my actual desk)

So I'm sitting in Whole Foods cafe yesterday doing what any 28-year-old with no career direction would be doing--working on my novel--and I notice the following:

-I'm "writing" on my MacBook Pro

-I've got my iPad 2 with me, you know, just in case I wanna see something on a smaller screen than my computer

-I'm listening to music on my iPod Nano (as far as I'm concerned, Mac Laptops & iPads don't have this functionality)

-And I'm continually checking my iPhone to see the time, if anyone called or texted, and to play Scrabble against my friends every few minutes

So my question to you, dear reader, is this: Am I just ultra-douchey with all my cool Apple stuff, or am I simply that technologically inefficient and inept? Feel free to vote in the comments section.

un-meh thing of the week

This guy...giving the free tit exams. Only in America.

San Francisco Goes all Hitler on everybody

From Huffington Post - SAN FRANCISCO — A proposal to ban the circumcision of male children in San Francisco has been cleared to appear on the November ballot, setting the stage for the nation's first public vote on what has long been considered a private family matter.

But even in a city with a long-held reputation for pushing boundaries, the measure is drawing heavy fire. Opponents are lining up against it, saying a ban on a religious rite considered sacred by Jews and Muslims is a blatant violation of constitutional rights.

Banning water bottles is all well and good, but why do they gotta go messing with Jewish traditions?  Fucking San Francisco.  They just love banning shit.  Look, I know circumcision may hurt, but that's life.  Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do.  I have to schlep myself into crappy Manhattan to go to my dead end job 5 days a week.  Babies have to get their dicks ripped up.  Thems are the breaks. Plus, in the long run, you've just got to have a circumcised dick.  Having sex is embarrassing enough for me already with my weird nipples.  Adding an uncircumcised nub to the mix would Not. Be. Cool.    

Chaz Bono a Cautionary Tale for Bryan Adams' Newborn Daughter

A few weeks ago, I got really pissed off when I found out there was a human person with the first name "God's Gift." You can even read my blog post about it. It's just one of those head-shaking things where you can't explain why you're mad, you just are.

And with names like "God's Gift" and "God Shammgod," you might be surprised to learn that athletes' names are only the 2nd most ridiculous group of names in existence. They come up way short compared to celebrity's baby's names. Of course we all know the obvious weird ones like Apple (Gwenyth Paltrow's daughter) and the Jolie/Pitt quartet of Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh and Pax. But take a look at this Celebrity Baby Names website I stumbled upon while researching for this post: http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html (spoiler alert: names include "Moon Unit" and "Diva Muffin")

That's a murderers' row of overcreativity right there.

The reason I bring this up? I'm flipping through my Entertainment Weekly this afternoon, minding my own business, and what do I see in the "Monitor" section?

"Actress Alicia Silverstone and her husband...welcomes their first child, Bear Blu, on May 5th."

"Rocker Bryan Adams became a father for the first time on April 22nd when his girlfriend gave birth to a girl, Mirabella Bunny."

Fuck...me...do not tell me this is the new trend. Celebrities tossing a type of animal into their kid's name. This is gonna be cute for about 3 years, when Bryan Adams' friends thinks he's just a softie nicknaming his little girl "bunny." But it's gonna be weird later on in life. And it's gonna lead to an identity crisis. Just ask Chastity/Chaz Bono.

And, yes, I know I buried the real lead to this story, which is obviously the fact that a respected publication classified Bryan Adams a "rocker."

Park Guy Charlie Sheens Snowboarders

Watch Video Here

I saw this on "Today's Big Thing."  I really don't get the headline they have on here - "Grown Man Tries to Seem Cool..."  I don't know what video they were watching because you absolutely have to respect the shit out of that guy right now.  Like, oh hahahaha, he's insane, that's so funny.  Wrong reaction.  Look, there's two types of crazies in this world.  There's ones that say crazy shit but will never act on it - the Donald Trumps of the world.  Then there's the ones that say completely batshit things and will %100 take a lawnmower to your face if you don't obey them.  Take it from someone that understands crazy.  Whatever this guy says you can take directly to the bank.  Think those asshole snowboarders are going to go back there and build ramps and fuck with that dude's trees?  Not a chance.  In the span of a few minutes, he threatened to burn their snowboards, fuck several members of their families and "break" them "sexually."  And this guy wasn't ranting and raving like some crazed maniac.  He was just totally calm.  Like this is just another day at the park for this dude.  Chilling behavior.  He legitimately equates messing with his trees with "fingering 'his' baby sister."  Guy takes his landscaping fucking seriously, I'll give him that.

Also, gotta give this guy props for owning these douche bag snowboarders.  First they start pushing the snow all over the mountain because they're all too scared to go straight down the hill like a skier.  Then they start ruining everybody's vibe with their baggy pants and bad attitude.  Now they're messing with our parks and screwing up people's landscaping and shit.  Snowboarders - the absolute dregs of society.

The Cancer Defense

A couple weeks ago my neighbors the third floor came into our building around 1 in the morning and were belligerently fighting and drunk.  They were yelling at each other for a solid 10 minutes when the guy went up on the fire escape and on to the roof to escape his bitchy girlfriend.  Then he started yelling to somebody on the phone about how his girlfriend sucked.  While I've never really talked to either of them, I was pretty sure they were both douche bags before this night and they certainly didn't improve anything with this debacle.  I literally thought the guy was gonna jump off the roof.  He was so upset and I was too amused by the whole thing to tell him to shut the fuck up.  The neighbor on the second floor, however, was understandably trying to sleep.  Finally, she stuck her head out of the window and yelled, "shush."  Now, any reasonable person would think, oh shit it's 1 am and all this noise may be a bit out of line, but not this guy.  His response was, "oh shut the fuck up!"  The old Greek lady tried to reason with him by saying "too much noise!"  Then the douche on the third floor yelled, "fuck you bitch, I have cancer!"  Bam!  End of argument.  There is no comeback for that.



Now, let me preface my analysis of this hilarious event by saying that I'm about 95% sure this kid doesn't actually have cancer.  I mean there's no way his girlfriend would be acting like that if he had cancer right?  Plus, I've seen him a few times since and he seems totally fine and normal.  That being said, I think there is no better way to end an argument than those 3 words - "I have cancer."  Kid could have assembled a full marching band in his apartment and played all night long and I guarantee the old Greek lady would have showed up at his door the next morning with some freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and a letter of apology.  I mean, not only was this jerk off totally out of line for yelling and stomping around at 1 AM, but his use of expletives directed toward an old lady who's just trying to get some sleep was completely unwarranted also.  Yet, he still somehow left her feeling bad about the whole thing.  He completely turned the whole situation around.  Kind of like how George got owned by the coma defense in the video above.  So my question is this... Is there a better defense than the "I have cancer" approach?

Just Another Sunny Day in San Francisco

What an inappropriate costume. How dare they dress up like people from the Red Cross? Shelling out fake information and medical care. This guy just wanted to know if his pubes would protect his cock from getting a sunburn.

Horses can poop up to 30 pounds per day.

I think I have a legitimate complaint here.  Why do I have to bend down and pick up my dog's poop every time he defecates on the street, but it's cool for Seabiscuit to walk around plopping down dumps the size of small children and nobody has to clean it up?  I was walking through central park yesterday and it was literally like a minefield of shit.  Shit and digested hay everywhere.  Just seems like a double standard to me.  If these guys are going to make money off of horse carriage rides, they should at least have to carry a shovel and clean up after themselves.  Or better yet, just end this charade altogether.  No fucking need for horse carriages anymore.  You know what's a better mode of transportation than getting pulled around at 3 miles per hour by a depressed horse?  Fucking anything.  Cabs, scooters, unicycles, anything.  Horses belong on a farm in the country, not on 59th street.  

San Francisco's Version of "The Cops Cracking Down"

What's a world renowned blogger to do when he has weeks worth of blogging material from Bay 2 Breakers but is also about to have the busiest week of his life at his "real job"? I tell the story through pictures, that's what I do (all pictures taken by yours truly, of course):

Bay 2 Breakers...you remember me talking about it last week? The San Francisco event where police were cracking down on all the partying this year?

Let's see. They started by saying only registered runners would be allowed to walk along the actual course:

OK, fine. So they let a few extra non-runners onto the course. The police can't be everywhere at once. But at least they could cut out all the alcohol from the event. If someone was gonna be drinking on their watch, it would have to be a super covert operation:

Ahh, too bad. The organizers of this event just wanted 1 year of no nonsense so those asshole residents along the route would calm the fuck down. Now we get another year of "the residents are sick and tired of everyone pissing and puking on their front lawn" talk. As you can tell, most of the residents boycotted the event entirely on Sunday:

If only the people who partake in this annual event hadn't acted so recklessly the last few years, 2011 could have been a fun time. But as you can tell, it was an absolute bust.

un-meh thing of the week - seal runs to freedom!

I think everyone who reads meh blog would agree that baby seals are awesome.  This video of a rehabilitated baby seal being released into the ocean has been floating around the interwebs all week.  If you haven't seen it, it's pretty much got it all.  Cute baby seal?  Check.  Beach front property?  Check.  People doing the right thing and helping out an injured animal?  Check.  It's an un-meh thing of the week miracle!  Rmurdera probably would have seen this and written a blog asking why the people wasted their time helping out this awesome seal when they should have just clubbed it and gone on their way.  Glad I got to it first.

People who have nothing better to do than get upset over a statue

Look, I'm probably never gonna put a statue of David in my front yard, or any other statue with an exposed dick for that matter.  Just not my style, but let's not pretend all those little kids don't know what it is.  It's 2011.  Kids these days are watching hardcore porn while they eat their Fruit Loops and Count Cockula at breakfast.  Shit just can't be controlled.  Pretty much the first thing you learn in pre-school is "boys have a penis and girls have a vagina."  Haven't you idiots seen Kindergarten Cop?  That shit is real.

The only real problem going on in this video is the daughter getting all up in her hot Mom's boobs at the 1:19 mark.  Fucking disgusting.  Get a room.  Kind of makes you wonder what these people are doing behind closed doors.  Between Cinderella road, Lollipop Lane and all the titty grabbing, I'm getting a real creepy Chester-the-molester vibe from this whole community.

PS- Every kid knows what a penis is.  Until this guy puts up a statue with that displays some form of penetration, these bitches don't have to explain shit to their kids.  I saw the movie "Side Out" when I was like 8 and went on thinking that sex was just when two people took their tops off and made out.  Thought that until I was at least 14 and the internet got big.

My Head Just Exploded

Can someone please make sense of this fantasy baseball trade for me? It's beyond confusing and my brain maxes out at 6 players involved in a trade in order for me to come to a logical conclusion. There's way too much involved here.

I've removed the names of the managers making the trade for protection, but you can see that 1 guy traded away Longoria, Tulowitzki and LaRoche and got quite the haul in return--Miggy, Cliff Lee, Cruz, Roberts, Utley and Jeter.

I'm not rushing to judgment, but I'd like the blog commenters to rush to judgment on this and help me out.

Thanks.

Buzzkill Killing the Buzz at Bay 2 Breakers

(Blogger's Note: This is Part 1 of a Multi-Part special on the annual epic event in San Francisco known as "Bay To Breakers" (B2B).)

"You can come in costume, come naked, just don't come drunk." - Sam "buzzkill" Singer, Spokesperson for Bay To Breakers Organizers

That quote pretty much sums up what "the man" is trying to do to one of the greatest random days in San Francisco every year. For the uninitiated, Bay To Breakers is a 10K run from the Embarcadero (Bay) to the ocean (Breakers) held in San Francisco every May. More noteworthy though is the fact that tens of thousands of partyers follow the race course shortly after the runners go by to enjoy a day of ridiculous costumes, mind-numbing quantities of booze, and an overwhelming number of gross, old, raunchy naked people.

And now, of course, like all fun things in life, people are trying to ruin it. Earth to Sam Singer: the only reason I'm willing to show up in an embarrassing costume (with the words "dude love" painted on my rainbow-colored t-shirt) is because I know I'm gonna be drunk the whole time. Same goes for all the naked people. I bet they aren't too sober by the time they strip down to their best Adam and Eve garb. So if you want us to show up in costumes or naked to keep the spirit of the event alive, you're just gonna have to deal with the fact that we'll be plastered by 8:45 in the morning. There's no way around it.

To be fair to these pussy organizers, they've been touting a crack down on the boozing at B2B for at least 3 years now, but every year they either back down at the last minute, or the crowds simply don't give a shit and keep on doing what they do best...partying and causing havoc. So I'm a little skeptical that this year will be any different. I've been to enough college parties in my time where 6 cops show up and can't do anything but ask people to shut down the party. They're outnumbered like 6 to 60 so there's no other options. Same goes for B2B, except it'll be like 200 cops to 60,000 people. I think we'll be OK.

Editors note

I allowed the blog below to be posted even though it is exemplative of everything I hate about my co-blogger.  The bottom line is he hasn't written shit for like 5 days which makes it tough to censor anything he writes at this point.  That being said, as editor and founder of meh blog, I want to take this opportunity to voice my displeasure with blogs like this.  I also want people to know how much I like when people at bull fights get hurt, maimed and trampled.  Serves them right, bullfighting is fucking barbaric and if I could nuke the shit out of everyone involved in it, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  My reaction to the horse video is a little more nuanced.  While horse racing itself is not bad, the way a lot of the horses are treated after they are retired is pretty awful.  So I can't say I liked seeing the horse jump on those people.  They probably like horses and are just ignorant about what goes on behind the scenes in that industry.  At the same time, I can't condone horse racing either.  

Also, I don't get how this kid is bitching about his "first amendment rights."  meh blog ain't no fucking democracy.  You want free speech?  Start your own blog.

Animals Rebelling Against Human Captors

(blogger's note: Animal lovers, specifically that pussy Freedchips, are gonna love me after this post. Did you know Freedchips actually censored me a few weeks ago when I tried to post some commentary about how we shouldn't be wasting government money on having Federal agents troll Craigslist looking for people selling endangered animals' carcasses?? Freedchips is so committed to staying in character and pretending to love animals to an unheard of/awkward level that he'd rather violate my 1st amendment rights than let me speak even remotely negative about one of "god's creatures.")


I'm really not qualified to be commenting on the humanity or inhumanity of forcing captive animals to be used for our sporting pleasure. I'm sure there are many books, journal articles and blogs that can do a much better job of boring you to death with facts about whether animals have feelings or not. I'm sure there are brilliant people out there who can give you the pros & cons of taking wild animals and putting them in these situations where thousands of people are screaming at them.

I, humble blogger of the year, can only comment on what I see. And what I see in those videos above is a looming problem. What's gonna happen when these stop being isolated incidents and start being the norm? Will we just build higher stadium walls and track fences to keep the animals in check? Or will we eventually smarten up and realize that these animals will continue to be pissed off until we stop treating them like animals?
I personally never want to see animals in this situation again, unless we're talking about a cock fight, in which case I'm more than on board with that since those little fuckers couldn't harm me even if they do escape their ring and jump into the crowd.

Also, me & Freedchips are officially in a fight. (I think he's just pissed because I kicked his ass in fantasy baseball last week) I'm giving him the silent treatment starting....now.

Say goodbye to my favorite past time, digging holes at the beach...

From CBS News - (CBS/AP/WFOR) An Austrian Olympic swimmer was buried neck deep in sand after a hole he had helped dig collapsed around him on Sunday.

Nineteen-year-old Jakub Maly and his teammates were spending their day off from training at the beach in Pompano Beach, Fla.

The team had spent much of the day digging a sand pit with enormous dimensions - 7 feet deep and 6 feet wide.

Well this is just great.  Guess we can add digging huge holes at the beach to the list of things too dangerous for me to do.  Seriously, what am I supposed to do at the beach now?  I'm not even excited for the summer anymore.  I mean, is there anything better after a long week of work than going to the beach and spending a nice relaxing day digging a 7 foot trench?  Takes me about 8 hours or so to dig a 7 footer.  The last 2 feet take the longest cause I have to go left handed due to my right hand being covered with blisters.  Well, you can kiss that sweetness goodbye.  Guess I'll have to spend the day lying on a blanket downing coronas like a sucker.  

freedchips tips of the week...

Last Friday, Rmurdera asked readers for advice about what to do about his weird, bludgeoned toe.  Well, my old pappy used to say, "ask and ye shall receive."  So, here is the freedchips 4 point plan for dealing with a disgusting bloody stump of a toe.

Step 1 - Get some dark socks and put them on.  This will serve the important purpose of hiding your mangled appendage from everybody else.  Also, the darker the sock the better since it looks like your toe is about to explode blood and toe puss all over the place.

Step 2 - Keep these socks on at all times when in close proximity to other people.  Your toe is offensive and nobody wants to see it.  Look, everybody has "those things" about themselves that they want to hide from others.  Take me for example.  You wouldn't think it from looking at me but I have abnormally large nipples, dinner plates if you will.  Makes going to the beach an absolute shit show because I pretty much have to take my shirt off or I'd look even weirder, but you won't catch me going shirtless anywhere else.  You are lucky in that toes are generally supposed to be covered up anyway.  Which brings me to my next point...

Step 3 - Resist the inexplicable urge to take pictures of this atrocity and post them online.  Nothing good can come of this.  Your goal should be to hide this problem, not parade it around like a circus act.  Also, pretty sure there aren't a lot of doctors reading meh blog.

Step 4 - Go see a doctor. When faced with an embarrassing dilemma such as a disfigured gross toe, one understandably has the desire to fix the problem himself.  This never turns out well.  While the paperclip idea sounds kind of good, I'm fairly certain there must be a more effective tool for draining a toe than the common paperclip.  Look, we've all been there in some regard.  Reminds me of the time I saw a centipede in my garbage, panicked, dumped the whole thing in the toilet and flushed.  Toilet clogged immediately.  I  tried to fish stuff out and ended the night with non-functioning toilet and a metal coat hanger sticking two feet out of it.  Sure I had good intentions, but the coat hanger just made things worse.  Right now you have a weird looking toe, but it's a lot better than a weird looking toe with a paper clip stuck in it. 

What the Hell Should I do about my Toe?

This has never happened to me before. I'm trying to crowd-source some answers from the masses that read this blog. I ran the Boston Marathon and 3 days later, my toe looks like this. My feet were already legendarily gross looking before this "injury." Now they're vomit-inducing. One of my co-workers who prides himself on being a "marathon runner" said I need to get a paperclip as hot as it can possibly get & then stick it through my toenail down into the blood area. Apparently this might let the blood get out, and that's a good thing? I guess the alternative is that my toenail will fall off and then it'll be like a year before it grows back properly. That doesn't sound like such a bad thing to me...one less nail to clip. I'll save roughly 37 seconds over the course of a year not having to clip that nail.

I really don't know what to do. Is a toenail falling off & then regrowing a painful experience? More painful than jamming a metal object through my toenail? I might have to make a Pros & Cons list to figure this out.

Please, if there are any doctors in the audience, let me know what to do.

What's the statute of limitations on throwing out your christmas tree?

Saw this a couple days ago on the street by my apartment and it kind of caught me off guard.  I mean you just don't expect to see this on May 4th.  Got to wonder what the hell was going on in this house?  Like were they trying to savor it for as many holidays as possible?  Was this a result of pure laziness?    Kind of reminds me of when I was in college and we would throw a kegger in the basement and then leave the keg in the tub of water until it got really moldy and the smell was too much to take.    Kind of an embarrassing situation, but when it came down to it, we were all way too busy taking bong rips to the face and playing mario kart to take the 90 seconds it would have taken us to take the keg outside and dump the water out.  Now that I've matured I would never let something like that happen.  Personally, I like the tree out by February 1st in my house.  Not that it's an absolute rule or anything, but you have to admit that if you have the opportunity to hide easter eggs in your Christmas tree, you're probably pretty close to ending up on a reality show about hoarders or perhaps one about people who just fucking love trees.   

Breaking Down the Maxim Top 100 List

Maxim just released their annual "Top 100 Hottest Women" list, and I wanted to open up the comments section of this post to our thousands of readers so they can have a spirited debate about the results. For the most part, Maxim seems to do a fantastic job with their annual rankings, but there are definitely some atrocities in here that need to be called out. It's my duty as your favorite blogger to do your thinking for you. So let me point out the 4 biggest disappointments on this list (as a side note, it should be obvious that I'd probably bang everyone of these girls, no questions asked. But when a respected publication comes out with a "best in the world" list like this, the results better be perfect, and they're not in this case).

#78 - JWoww

Really? The 78th hottest woman on the planet is this person? This is the same girl who caused millions of viewers to seriously debate whether there was a transvestite in the Jersey Shore cast. JWoww is your typical "looks OK from far away" girl--like a mile away I'm talking. She wasn't even the hottest person on the Jersey Shore. Vinny was, of course. (As the person who probably hates the concept of Jersey Shore more than anyone in the world, Freedchips is probably stewing right now...just reading this & slamming his fist on his desk. Careful, buddy. Don't spill your coffee on my timesheet.)


#64 - Miley Cyrus

This little kid made the list huh? Stunning. I really don't get this one, more so than JWoww. She's not attractive, and from what I hear around the water cooler, she's annoying as fuck. I really can't figure out if she has baby fat still, or if that's just fat fat. Either way, the chubbiness that she's holding on to doesn't bode well for her adult years. I suspect she was put on this list just so her target demographic (which is who exactly?) would buy the magazine.


#26 - Kate Middleton

Yup, she's hot. Nope, she's not the 26th hottest woman alive. But you know as well as I do that if she wasn't in the news right now (read: married to a rich, powerless man) she wouldn't be cracking this list at all. So to put her in the upper echelon of hotness is just irresponsible. I was about to list some of the women on this Top 100 who have a worse ranking than her but are obviously hotter, but that would mean naming everyone on this list (minus the 2 gross women mentioned earlier in this post).


#9 - Cobie Smulders

The problem with Cobie is that she can look pretty friggen incredible sometimes (red dress), but she can also look beyond ugly other times (mug shot-looking pic above). And a top 10 girl on this list can't touch both ends of the hot/ugly spectrum. Top 10 is the best of the best, and she's not even close. And most importantly, I haven't been attracted to her since she appeared in a How I Met Your Mother episode looking more manly than the man who the show is about:

Luke Scott doesn't believe Obama's Birth Certificate

Huffington Post - Even though the White House released President Obama's birth certificate last week, Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott still isn't sure he was born in America.

Scott, who said in December that he does not believe the president was born in America, questioned the validity of Obama's birth certificate toSam Mellinger of the Kansas City Star on Tuesday.

"(President Obama's) birth certificate has yet to be validated," Scott said. "If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it's a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate, if you ask me. So, all it is, let's just see if it's real. Anybody can produce a document, so let's check it out."

According to the report, an Orioles employee witnessed Mellinger talking to Scott and said that the organization doesn't support his views.

Stop the presses!  Somebody get that birth certificate and analyze it cause Luke Scott thinks it's a fake.  Wait, who the fuck is Luke Scott?  A baseball player?  On the Orioles?  Jesus Christ.  I hate to sound like a broken record but why is this even a story?  Seriously, if you're not an elected official, a journalist, or a blogger with at least 10 followers, nobody gives a shit about your opinions.  Pretty sure everyone on the Orioles has one job.  Go out and lose about 100 games a year while bringing shame to your city and embarrassing the shit out of Cal Ripken Jr. for ever being a part of that putrid franchise.  And while I'm on the subject of people believing ridiculously ignorant shit, I've already had enough of these ass clowns who are saying the U.S. didn't really kill bin Laden.  Or they won't believe it until they see the pictures.  This makes no fucking sense.  What would be the end game here for the U.S. if they didn't kill him?  Just to screw with us?  Or just to get a bump in their approval ratings for two weeks until Osama makes a youtube video and disproves the whole story?  Also, a picture proves absolutely nothing.  You see, a few years ago someone invented something called photoshop.  For those of you that don't know, it's a computer program that lets anybody manipulate pictures however they want.  If a picture is all you need to believe something, just give me an hour and I can show you a picture of me shooting Osama in the grundle while getting BJ from Sarah Palin and fabricating my birth certificate.  Doesn't mean it happened, or does it?

Reader Email (Our First One!!)

Reader Email

Hey,
So it looks like someone in my office brought leftover Chicken McNuggets for lunch. Can't say I've ever seen that before. They're sitting on some marinara sauce, so maybe chicken parm?
-Anonymous

I'm gonna be honest here. Typically I don't give a fuck what people think about me, at all. But I would be totally embarrassed if I was pulling my leftover McDonald's out of the fridge at work and one of my co-workers walked into the kitchen. I'd be even more humiliated if he saw me spreading marinara sauce & sprinkling parmesan cheese over the McNuggets. That's poorer than a poor man's chicken parm.

And by the way, here in San Francisco, it is beyond unacceptable for an adult to bring "fresh" fast food into the office for lunch, let alone old, gross-looking leftovers. The few people I've ever seen bring McDonald's or Jack in the Box into the office for lunch have basically sprinted from the elevator to their desk and then tried to consume the food as quickly as possible. Their hope is that they won't be spotted by those other employees who eat their lunches at places like "Plant" and "Tofu For Life."

So, yeah...leftover handful of Chicken McNuggets--very bold move indeed.

Idiot Algebra Teacher

Village Voice - ​We're pretty sure this is the most ridiculously small-minded and offensive incident to come out of the death of Osama bin Laden so far: Talking Points Memo reports that a high school algebra teacher at Clear Brook High School in Friendswood, Texas, allegedly told a 9th grade American-born Muslim girl in his class "I bet that you're grieving" on Monday, following it with "I heard about your uncle's death."

The student, of course, understood that he meant Osama bin Laden and started crying. The teacher asked why, and upon being answered by another student that it was because of his earlier comments, apparently laughed. According to a parent, "And his response was, oh, OK, and just kind of smirked and giggled and walked away."

The teacher has now been placed on administrative leave and the school district has issued the following statement:         yada yada yada read more here

Ok so it's almost pointless to go into how much of a douchebag this guy is.  It pretty much goes without saying and I'm sure there will be a billion "journalists" and pundits going on about how inappropriate this was.  Thanks guys, way to point out the obvious.  I think it's pretty clear that if an algebra teacher isn't telling you how to figure out how many $8 beers (X) you can buy in a Manhattan bar with a budget of $100 and a variable of a hot girl who loves grey goose cosmos (Y) pretending to like you for free drinks, then he should pretty much just shut the fuck up.  I don't think social commentary is in the job description.  Even more distressing is the fact that this guy is now on "administrative leave."  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that means that he's still getting paid but he's just not going to work right?  Sounds like a really effective punishment.  Seriously, are they trying to encourage teachers to make racist comments?  I mean if this is what happens to people when they make idiotic statements, perhaps I should parade around my office yelling a bunch of racist shit until somebody gets offended.  Oh wait, I'd be thrown out on the street immediately never to be heard from again.  

Adult Baby Show

Huffington Post - It's no odd thing to pine for a simpler time, to wish you could go back to childhood. It's a common, impossible fantasy, it seems, one that is more exaggerated gasp and wistful dream in difficult times. For some, though, the desire for a past life is so insatiable, they do everything they can to make it happen.

Unfortunately, given that time travel isn't yet possible, they often seem a bit unusual in their quest.

National Geographic's "Taboo" highlights the life of one such dreamer: Stanley, the adult baby. He sleeps in a giant crib, plays Legos in a baby play area, gets fed with a bottle and is even creating his own gigantic highchair. It's not sexual, just the recapturing of a simpler time, no matter how psychologically complicated it may appear.

An infantalist, Stanley dresses normally for the real world, but in his apartment, it's all child's play. Though most babies don't build their own cribs.

Look Stanley, you think there's a guy out there that doesn't want to sit in his jammies all day and play with legos and GI Joes and shit?  You think I don't want to wear a diaper and get spoon fed porridge from some weird obese woman while I rest my head on her bosom?  Think I don't want to turn my room into a giant playpen, gain 300 pounds and wear a moo-moo?  Of course I do.  Everybody does... I think.  But the bottom line is you're 29 years old, and that shit is weird, and not the kind of weird that makes you cheeky and fun, or mysterious and oddly attractive to women.  It's the kind of weird that makes you a total social outcast and a nuisance to society.  It's the kind of weird that ensures you are never going to get laid, even by that weird nurse lady.  And it's the kind of weird that lands you right on the front page of meh blog.  Ugh, who am I kidding, somebody get me those penguin pajamas!

Stalker Reminds Us "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder"

ESPN.com - A man was charged with stalking Serena Williams after police say they caught him trying to walk into her gated subdivision in South Florida. Subdivision security guards stopped Ouedraogo as he walked in a few minutes after Williams' sister Venus returned home, police said. The guards had been told to call police immediately if they saw someone matching Ouedraogo's description.

Look, I'd never sit here and criticize a stalker based on their chosen life hobby. Lord knows that would be hypocritical of me. And I'm convinced that most men would admit they've at least semi-seriously contemplated stalking a woman, especially if it's a celebrity or athlete. What do you got to lose? So you risk a probable restraining order for the outside chance that she'll be just crazy enough to be turned on by your "persistence." Big deal. The upside of the reward is much bigger than the risk of the jail time.

But since there's even a sliver of a risk to this game, why not take a big swing, go for a homerun and pick someone who's hot. As a matter of fact, Maxim just released their annual "Top 100 Hottest Women" List and I encourage you to choose anyone from that list (though I do have some bones to pick with the creators of that list, which we'll get to in another posting).

You like black women? Why not try #81 Gabrielle Union?

Oh, you're more into athletes? Specifically tennis players? Fine, check out #19 Anna Kournikova.

But whatever you decide, please, please do not do something stupid like stalk an ugly black tennis player who looks like Mike Tyson with long hair. That's what poor Patenema Ouedraogo decided to do. His answer to the perfect celebrity stalking was Serena Williams:

And this guy decided he'd just stroll in through the front gate and tell the guards his true intentions? The story above also mentions that this is the first time in history a stalker has adhered to the "honesty is the best policy" school of thought.

And let's face it, this guy got lucky being stopped at the front gate. Remember, the woman he was going to see was that behemoth from the picture above, and her lookalike sister was in the house too. Not too smart, Ouedraogo.

What's the end game here anyway? Free tickets to Wimbledon?

Somebody get me this kid!

From Huffington Post - Authorities in Southern California are investigating the slaying of a well-known white supremacist leader who was shot and killed yesterday morning -- possibly by his own son.

Jeff Hall, 32, was found dead inside his Riverside home in the 5400 block of Lauder Court at about 4 a.m. Sunday. Hall died of a single gunshot wound from a "known assailant," the Riverside County Sheriff-Coroner said in a press release.

According to the Riverside Police Department, authorities have detained Hall’s 10-year-old son. Contacted by The Huffington Post, a watch commander stopped short of calling the boy a suspect but did say investigators are not looking for any additional persons of interest.

Read further

Guess I'll just continue the recruiting trend I started earlier.  This poor kid is probably going to end up seeing all kinds of psychiatrists and maybe even end up in juvy.  But really, he is a total bad-ass and did exactly the right thing.  It's like the old saying, "when life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  Well, when your Dad is a racist Nazi piece of trash, take his gun and murder the shit out of him.  Kid knew what needed to be done and did it, kind of like Obama did to bin Laden.  Guarantee this kid held a surprise press conference for his family in the kitchen.  Probably announced it and then kept pushing back the time for like an hour, just basking in his glory and keeping everyone on the edge of their seats while he planned his speech and ate his fruit loops.