Happy summer in NYC!

So it's finally sunny and hot in New York.  Seems like I should be happy about this right?  I mean I've been waiting for this for months.  Only thing is it smells like hot garbage and feces outside.  Yes, there is nothing quite like garbage day in New York in the summer time.  I've never been to a live horse sex show in Tijuana, but I imagine it would smell pretty similar to the stench I smelled this morning on my walk to work.  Just smelled like steaming piles of sweat and horse piss and shit all over the place.  I literally almost threw up when I walked out my apartment this morning.  And this is precisely why I hate this city.

A typical year in New York goes something like this.  Spend the first few months in weather that's so fucking cold I feel like my dick is gonna break off when I walk outside.  Also, throw in a few blizzards where there's like two feet of snow.  So go ahead and chalk up a couple afternoons and early mornings to digging yourself and your car out of piles of bulldozed snow.  Always a good time.  Then after a few months of freezing your balls off and trudging through disgusting slushy filth, spring comes!  And it fucking rains every day of your life for two months.  So yeah, finally it's like 50 or 60 degrees.  Not too hot, not too cold.  But by the time you get wherever you're going, you're totally soaked.  And you've just gone through a fucking minefield of puddles and obnoxious people with giant umbrellas.

Then summer rolls around, and all of the sewage and grime and grossness inherent to this cesspool of filth starts to melt together and smell like absolute death.  Nothing like paying exorbitant rent prices to live in a shoe box and be in a constant state of discomfort.  Greatest city in the world?  I think not.

Team Chemistry 101: Verbally Destroy Your Star Players

In this week's installment of "How could the New York Mets possibly sink to a new low" we look not on the field (where the Mets are so damn close to last place in their division) but off the field, to owner Fred Wilpon.

Note to future business leaders of America: if you want to build a winning organization, take a page out of ol' Freddy's playbook and talk trash about your most important employees through the media. Nothing says "go give it your all, kid" like being thrown under the bus by the man who writes your checks.

Here's what this jackass (actually, sorry, he called himself a schmuck in the article so let's stick with that)...here's what this schmuck had to say about his star players:

-On Carlos Beltran (highest paid player on the roster): "We had some schmuck in New York who paid him based on that one series (referring to Beltran's 2004 playoffs with the Astros). He's 65 to 70 percent of what he was."

-On David Wright (3rd highest paid player on the roster & easily their cornerstone): "Really good kid. A very good player. Not a superstar."

-On Jose Reyes (5th highest paid player on the roster): "He thinks he's going to get Carl Crawford money. He's had everything wrong with him. He won't get it."

For those of us keeping score at home, the Mets owner basically just said that his 3 best players are not nearly as good as they think they are. I guess $120 million just doesn't buy what it used to. What I don't understand is that Wilpon wasn't being forced to answer questions about his star players. It's not like he was sitting before a Grand Jury or a mad man with a gun to his head and had to answer truthfully on how good he thinks his players really are. He could have just said...nothing.

And if life wasn't already depressing enough for Mets fans, they get to root for a team where even the owner hates the players. That sounds like a blast (speaking of Mets fans, I better call Freedchips right now to make sure he's still alive). Hey, at least they've got the up-and-coming Ike Davis to look forward to, though I'd bet my life on him succumbing to a horrible tragedy like falling off the George Washington Bridge while rollerskating to the ballpark.

Maybe the Mets will finally get better once Wilpon dies, though the Yankees tried that and it hasn't really worked so far.

New game: ultra-douchey or technology-handicapped?

(not my actual desk)

So I'm sitting in Whole Foods cafe yesterday doing what any 28-year-old with no career direction would be doing--working on my novel--and I notice the following:

-I'm "writing" on my MacBook Pro

-I've got my iPad 2 with me, you know, just in case I wanna see something on a smaller screen than my computer

-I'm listening to music on my iPod Nano (as far as I'm concerned, Mac Laptops & iPads don't have this functionality)

-And I'm continually checking my iPhone to see the time, if anyone called or texted, and to play Scrabble against my friends every few minutes

So my question to you, dear reader, is this: Am I just ultra-douchey with all my cool Apple stuff, or am I simply that technologically inefficient and inept? Feel free to vote in the comments section.

un-meh thing of the week

This guy...giving the free tit exams. Only in America.

San Francisco Goes all Hitler on everybody

From Huffington Post - SAN FRANCISCO — A proposal to ban the circumcision of male children in San Francisco has been cleared to appear on the November ballot, setting the stage for the nation's first public vote on what has long been considered a private family matter.

But even in a city with a long-held reputation for pushing boundaries, the measure is drawing heavy fire. Opponents are lining up against it, saying a ban on a religious rite considered sacred by Jews and Muslims is a blatant violation of constitutional rights.

Banning water bottles is all well and good, but why do they gotta go messing with Jewish traditions?  Fucking San Francisco.  They just love banning shit.  Look, I know circumcision may hurt, but that's life.  Sometimes you just have to do things you don't want to do.  I have to schlep myself into crappy Manhattan to go to my dead end job 5 days a week.  Babies have to get their dicks ripped up.  Thems are the breaks. Plus, in the long run, you've just got to have a circumcised dick.  Having sex is embarrassing enough for me already with my weird nipples.  Adding an uncircumcised nub to the mix would Not. Be. Cool.    

Chaz Bono a Cautionary Tale for Bryan Adams' Newborn Daughter

A few weeks ago, I got really pissed off when I found out there was a human person with the first name "God's Gift." You can even read my blog post about it. It's just one of those head-shaking things where you can't explain why you're mad, you just are.

And with names like "God's Gift" and "God Shammgod," you might be surprised to learn that athletes' names are only the 2nd most ridiculous group of names in existence. They come up way short compared to celebrity's baby's names. Of course we all know the obvious weird ones like Apple (Gwenyth Paltrow's daughter) and the Jolie/Pitt quartet of Zahara, Maddox, Shiloh and Pax. But take a look at this Celebrity Baby Names website I stumbled upon while researching for this post: http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html (spoiler alert: names include "Moon Unit" and "Diva Muffin")

That's a murderers' row of overcreativity right there.

The reason I bring this up? I'm flipping through my Entertainment Weekly this afternoon, minding my own business, and what do I see in the "Monitor" section?

"Actress Alicia Silverstone and her husband...welcomes their first child, Bear Blu, on May 5th."

"Rocker Bryan Adams became a father for the first time on April 22nd when his girlfriend gave birth to a girl, Mirabella Bunny."

Fuck...me...do not tell me this is the new trend. Celebrities tossing a type of animal into their kid's name. This is gonna be cute for about 3 years, when Bryan Adams' friends thinks he's just a softie nicknaming his little girl "bunny." But it's gonna be weird later on in life. And it's gonna lead to an identity crisis. Just ask Chastity/Chaz Bono.

And, yes, I know I buried the real lead to this story, which is obviously the fact that a respected publication classified Bryan Adams a "rocker."

Park Guy Charlie Sheens Snowboarders

Watch Video Here

I saw this on "Today's Big Thing."  I really don't get the headline they have on here - "Grown Man Tries to Seem Cool..."  I don't know what video they were watching because you absolutely have to respect the shit out of that guy right now.  Like, oh hahahaha, he's insane, that's so funny.  Wrong reaction.  Look, there's two types of crazies in this world.  There's ones that say crazy shit but will never act on it - the Donald Trumps of the world.  Then there's the ones that say completely batshit things and will %100 take a lawnmower to your face if you don't obey them.  Take it from someone that understands crazy.  Whatever this guy says you can take directly to the bank.  Think those asshole snowboarders are going to go back there and build ramps and fuck with that dude's trees?  Not a chance.  In the span of a few minutes, he threatened to burn their snowboards, fuck several members of their families and "break" them "sexually."  And this guy wasn't ranting and raving like some crazed maniac.  He was just totally calm.  Like this is just another day at the park for this dude.  Chilling behavior.  He legitimately equates messing with his trees with "fingering 'his' baby sister."  Guy takes his landscaping fucking seriously, I'll give him that.

Also, gotta give this guy props for owning these douche bag snowboarders.  First they start pushing the snow all over the mountain because they're all too scared to go straight down the hill like a skier.  Then they start ruining everybody's vibe with their baggy pants and bad attitude.  Now they're messing with our parks and screwing up people's landscaping and shit.  Snowboarders - the absolute dregs of society.